Kanamara: the Japanese Peni-fest

Hey, so long time no post... first I didn't feel like posting anything, then I was just too busy, but this one's just too good to pass up. I'll probably tell the full story of the past month or so eventually as it is pretty damn amusing once I can distance myself from it a little more, but for now I'll just say that the last month has involved a girl, a girl, capoeira, dancing with many girls, pajamas, drinking, flowers, a train, capoeira, more dancing, a drunk girl, more flowers, yet more dancing, a little tequila, a crazy girl, Britney Spears, tomatoes, another club, guys dressed up like girls, a shrine, and penis-shaped candy. If you got the joke mixed in there then you're one of a growing select few, and if you followed the whole thing then come and get your prize. ;P

So... now on to the main attraction - what you may have heard of referred to as "that Japanese penis festival", Kanamara Matsuri! For the linguistic breakdown, 'kana' is a variation of the word metal and 'mara' is a seldom if ever used word meaning phallus. And there you have it. If you're like my dad and can't even utter the word 'penis' in public or if you just have the attention span of my 2-year-old nephew, you can just skip right to the pictures here. Here's a little taste:

So is this for real you ask? Why yes, it in fact takes place every year on the 1st Sunday of April in Kawasaki Taishi at the Kanayama Shrine (金山神社）and has been doing so since the Edo Period. The purpose? Well, it's supposed to be a shrine for people to pray for protection from STDs... and from what I've heard young Japanese people don't pray too much anymore. Oh, and according to Wikipedia...

"...There's also a legend of a demon that hid inside a young girl and castrated two young men on their wedding nights before a blacksmith fashioned an iron phallus that was used to break the demon's teeth, leading to the enshrinement of the item."

Wow. So before there was Bobbitt, there was giant pink penis demon guy, interesting. Another fun thing about this is that people on the other side of the world are more likely to know about it than people that live even in Kawasaki, the city outside of Tokyo where it takes place. Most Japanese will stare at you in utter disbelief if you try and tell them about this, unless they're the type to feel shame on behalf of their country because of it. The cool ones embrace it and find themselves scattered in amongst the gaijin-filled crowds, grinning ear to ear with the rest of us and taking pictures as they giggle and chortle to themselves at penis pops and phallic floats. Lots of foreigners do show though - I went alone ahead of the roommates and ran into no less than 4 foreign friends, including a couple that has gone together for the past 3 years and counting! The people that run and come to this festival are more laid back than the majority of the populace though and have embraced the foreign element. The festival is currently used to raise and fund research for HIV research.

So what happens at this festival you ask? Well they have three main giant phallic symbols: the main is a big black steely dealy, next comes the one-eyed pink monster, and last we have the classic woody. The black one and the pink one get to play their roles being paraded down the streets by cross-dressers in kimono and guys wearing sumo diapers (yes I know they're really called 'fundoshi', but "sumo diapers" just has such a nice ring to it) in a traditional practice known as omikoshi. Alas I missed the parade due to no less than 5 of the items mentioned above in the intro, but video of last year's can be seen here. The wooden guy has a more passive role as it camps out and watches the fort, sitting there waiting to be ridden for a great photo opportunity. Again, I showed late and missed out, but there are plenty of examples floating around the internet if you search.

Other main attractions include the crossdressers which are all over the place and the erotic lollipops, with both male and female version to please all. There were so many people in line for the candy that the guy making it had everyone standing around waiting play jan-ken just for the chance to pay him 600yen for a penis (or pussy) pop (his wording not mine). I lost, but will most definitely be back for revenge next year.

Now as I noticed a veritable dearth of information online about this in English, I'll give a recap of the specs of this event in the hope that it will help even just one soul find their way to this wondrous happening.

Name: Kanamara Matsuri, aka "the Penis Festival"　（金まら祭）　

Place: Kawasaki Daishi　（川崎大師）, Kanayama Shrine （金山神社）

Time: 1st Sunday of April, with the parade starting around 12 noon. Be early!!

Getting there: from JR Kawasaki station, turn right and go down the stairs/escalator. Notice the elevated train tracks in front of you and follow them to your left to Keikyu Kawasaki station.（京急川崎駅）
Take the platform on the right labeled Kawasaki Daishi and it's maybe the 3rd stop.
From the station here, go right out of the station and you'll see the shrine which is just around the corner once you cross the street.

And with that, I hope to see you there next year! Mike? ;P

Once again, pictures here!

Stuff White People Like

There are plenty of things that all white people like with little to no exception, such as:

• Bottled Water
• Study Abroad
• Sushi
• Being the only White Person Around
• Mos Def
• The Daily Show
  
• Threatening to Move to Canada
• Japan

I am white and therefore like all these things - if you're white then you do too, even if you don't realize it yet. For further documentation on stuff that I like, check out this link. If you are not white but would like to act like you are, look to this as an instructional guide into the inner depths of the mystique that is yuppie white culture.

An inspirational story

So I'm rereading a good book - Freakonomics. The more observant of you will also notice that I added the author's blog along with a couple other links over on the right, all of which I consider to be entertaining for one reason or another.

One person mentioned in the above book is a rather interesting story. He's a leading economist that entered Harvard as a professor at the lofty age of 25 named Roland G. Fryer Jr. While this is remarkable enough, if you take his past into account it seems almost freakish. I found an article on him, and it's simply amazing - basically abandoned by his mom and raised by a drunk woman abusing father and crack dealing cousins, he makes a near miss on following the footsteps, then turns it all around by getting into college on a sports scholarship, graduating with a degree in 2.5 years while working and even taking extra credits at a local junior college, leading to what we have today. One excerpt:

At 13, he forged his birth certificate to get a job at McDonald's. When he could, he told me, he stole from the cash register. He sold counterfeit Dooney & Burke purses out of the trunk of his car -- a tricked-out 1984 Monte Carlo that he wasn't nearly old enough to drive legally. With a friend, he recounted, he would go into Dallas, buy a pound of marijuana for $700 and sell it back in Lewisville for $1,400. He carried a .357 Magnum and one night, in a fight outside a Citgo station, almost used it on a white man. ''I didn't care if I lived or died,'' he said now as we idled in the parking lot of that same Citgo station. ''I always think I'm supposed to be dead, not alive, much less at Harvard.''

Probably because of his past, he is totally driven to find out what causes the gap between whites and blacks in the US, and leaves no stone unturned no matter how controversial it seems. I guess I can see how some people would rather point to discrimination and blame that for the gap, but I'm glad that someone is willing and able to look at what internal problems might exist in the black community that are self-destructive. It'll be a lot more constructive for people to have things to point out that they themselves can control as opposed to just blaming things on the Man and resigning to a bleak life with no prospects. Then again, the people at the bottom of the pile are always the last to feel the effects of any improvements, which in some case need to be pretty substantial. Here's wishing him luck.

The joys of the internet: Googling

So the other day I get this mail from a translator's site that I happen to be registered to which, from time to time happens. This one was weird though - it was from someone back home saying they forgot the addy to this site and, apparently with it my email as well. I thought it rather odd, but it got me to thinking how she came about such avenues - so I Googled myself.

If you haven't tried it before I highly suggest it. So what shows up for me? Well depending on if you use my proper name or not (with or without the trailing 'las', and note to mom: 'Doglas' just comes up with a bunch of people making careless errors *cough cough*) and whether you use quotes, you'll get anything from translation stuff to autocross records to capoeira to stuff about me up in Miyagi. I was amused, but my thirst for entertainment not yet quenched I pressed on.

What about friends?

Well George is no surprise - you come up with a bunch of stuff about someone in the highest echelons of the nerd faction with GNU/Linux links along with Audi/Porsche links-o-plenty.

My dad's comes up with a whole bunch of random stuff... and my translator's profile??

Emi has some links from school/hockey and youtube/Myspace links up at the top, but if you venture further down the list you come across a female Japanese pro wrestling championship (her namesake looks rather nice from behind but fights dirty - not to far off the mark? ;P), references to some Japanese porn stars and models, and a link to a cool live action movie about a ninja chick. The secret underground life of Emi? Hawtness.

Davis's was random - at the top was this picture which has scarred me for... atleast the next 15 mins. or so. Apparently he's actually a half-nekkid old guy jumping for glee at a funrun. So graceful.

Mike is totally overshadowed by some l33t g4m0r CEO from the land Down Under that undoubtedly has sk1llz that rival the Ownerer - I couldn't even find one link I thought was actually talking about him. To be fair, I didn't/can't search in Korean... if the other guy is all that comes up even in Korean then I dunno what to tell you Mike, I guess your name's too common!

The Coup de Grace though must be Matt - he does show up with some work-related links and such, even in French and Korean which is cool. His is, however, a sad case that does not have a happy ending - or beginning as it were. You see, the first few entries that come up for his name are that of a certain child molesting teacher, with mugshots and even a news line reading "teacher arraigned on 4 sex charges". Man, I had no idea my party-minded roomie and partner in crime was actually a criminal! ;P Matt now has the lofty goal of hunting this miscreant down and punching him in his happy place for public besmirchment and humiliation.

Many others just came up with standard work related stuff, but it was an enjoyable way to spend some time so I recommend it. And by the way- Googling phone numbers and addresses also works! Woo technology.

Tokyo vs. Inaka

Ok, just wanted to put this out there while it's still fresh in my mind... although exactly how fresh my mind is in these wee early hours of the morning is highly debateable (it's not even 9 here yet, which is early for me).

So, Tokyo vs. Inaka (boonies, sticks, country, podunk county, land of "purty mouths", etc.). If you're wondering why I say Inaka, it's because just about everyone that's been here more than 2 weeks refers to it as Inaka, even when speaking in English. Now where the city ends and Inaka begins... totally different subject that varies depending on who you talk to and where they're from, but I think that holds true no matter where you're from to an extent. Let's just say that 'suburb' doesn't mean much to Japanese people, and Tokyo's pretty much like NYC in that according to Tokyo, there's only Tokyo and Inaka.

So anyway, one glaring difference in Tokyo/Inaka mentalities was brought to mind as I left the station this morning - there was a guy passing out little tissue packets with an ad attached, which is really quite standard around the country. Equally as standard was that just about everyone walks by the guy without even a second glance, but that's another story.

What is different though is that here in the Tokyo area (I can attest to the fact that this holds true in Chiba, a Tokyo suburb, as well), they much more frequently offer these to me as well as the locals. It's not only this, but also the people standing in front of stores are more likely to target everyone including the foreign faces... except for some of the most aggressive people around, the ones soliciting for the seedier places, who still stay away (this is mostly a good thing - unless you like paying 100USD+/hr. for girls to talk and drink with you). In Sendai, you could walk past these people all day and they wouldn't even attempt to give you anything if you were say, blond and obviously non-Japanese.

What does this mean? Does it mean that Tokyo people are less discriminatory than country bumpkins/inakajins, or are they just more used to seeing a foreign face and thus less likely to clam up? Are the foreigners in Tokyo more likely to speak Japanese and thus more approachable, or are their more English speaking Japanese willing to approach?

I'd have to argue the latter in both of these cases. There are more foreigners in Tokyo for sure, but to be fair there are more Japanese as well. I forget the exact figures, but something crazy like a third of the country's population is centered around its capital and the immediate surrounding area with plenty an Inakajin striving to make the big move to the Big Mikan. There's a lesser known movement in modern times for people to move back to the countryside, but it's still overshadowed by the idea that anything worth doing is worth doing in Tokyo. Just about any internationally-minded Japanese company with any clout has its headquarters in Tokyo, so most international jobs are here. As a consequence, you get more Western foreigners here and definitely more expats working for international firms - something you won't often find up in Sendai or any of the other non-Tokyo urban centers, with the possible exception of Osaka.

As for the foreigners, I'd say that foreigners in the Inaka on average know Japanese more as a matter of necessity since the local populations out in the sticks usually make it rather necessary to use Japanese to get around and have much of any meaningful interaction with the local population at all. In Tokyo, there are those like me and most of my friends that have no problem getting around, but for a lot of the English teachers/American military/expat crowd, it's easy for Westerners to get (relatively) spoiled since the general level of English ability is higher here than other places I've been around the country. I feel I should stress the "relative" part though as Japan is pretty bad about English, thus all the need for English teachers. I know that Japan ranks pretty low internationally and is below a few other places around Asia in that category including Thailand, Taiwan, Singapore, Bali and Hong Kong for sure, probably more.

So what pray tell was the ad the poor guy was getting paid probably 5-600￥/hr. to pass my way? An invitation for Eikaiwa! I hate to say it, but I guess this is one case where drawing the line between Japanese and foreigner might actually work... or maybe it's a case in which Inaka peeps just know better than Tokyoites that if I want some tissues I'll ask for them. ;P

Another day, another adventure

Man, what an eventful month it's been... and yet the good times keep rolling! This week's tale promises not to disappoint as well.

So our story starts on a nice and sunny Saturday morning - unseasonably warm, which was fortunate for me for reasons you will soon understand. I asked Matt to borrow the Trailblazer from work for the weekend so I could take my bike into the shop. On this particular occasion we all had stuff to take care of, so all 3 of us were up and about at 11am, which for a Saturday is rather remarkable in our world. My plans had me in Shibuya at 2 to meet up with the roomies and 2 others to mess around, then later we were going to go out to a club close to Ebisu for some good ole drum n bass. Matt was in a rush, so he asks me to drive him to the station, like now. I had no problem with that, and figured since I was going to be right back there was no need to change out of my current garb of pajamas and t-shirt, but decided to grab my wallet since it's illegal to walk around here without a gaijin card.

We get out and talk about how nice the weather is for a drive and how funny it is that I'm about to go return some videos to Tsutaya (Japanese version of Blockbuster) in my pj's and sandles... hahaha, falala-lala. "Man, I have absolutely no sense of shame", I comment, and Matt thoroughly agrees with approval at my wanton disregard for the rules of fashion and society. I drop him off and come back with no hitches, except for a little traffic, all set to shower up and set out for the day. There's only one problem.

I come back and try the door - it's locked. Where are my keys? Inside. What about my phone? On the table, next to the keys. I am locked out since our other roomie had already set out for the day to run some local errands while I was gone, leaving me with a wallet, car keys, pj's, a t-shirt and some sandals - I hadn't even taken a shower yet, so I stunk a little with Einstein hair and a slight case of the morning breath. Of course, given our modern day dependence on technology to supplant our memory for such things, I can't recall the numbers or phone mail addys of any of my friends in order to ask someone for help (I later found that I was only one character off from remembering one friend's though). After trying the door I try all the windows - nothing. I even went in the back and climbed up to our 2nd-story balcony (in sandals!!), but all the windows and doors were locked!

Great - here it is 11:30, and I have to meet people at 2. I figured that if I was going to make it in time I would have to set out about 1 or so, and sit in the car til 12:45 in the hope that my roomie would stop back by the apartment before heading into town. No dice. The time in the car allowed me to think long and hard about my options... should I go to the super and see if there's a spare key? Well, the apartment isn't in my name and they don't technically know I live there, so I decided against that. Should I sit in the car all day and wait for someone to come back? Well who knows how long that would take, I could be there all night - besides, that's boring. So I go with the option that in my mind makes the most sense - I go to Shibuya, in my pajamas and with a couple small cuts from the balcony stunt (kids, do not try this at home). I have no key or phone and no sense of shame, but I do have a wallet, meaning I have money and a train pass. It's a good thing I have no shame, right? At least the weather's nice!

So first stop is the corner store, where I buy some gum to take the place of toothpaste. Next, I get on the bus... some staring, but that's to be expected. I shrug it off. Now at the station, I make a stop in the bathroom to take a makeshift traveler's shower with ice-cold water and hand soap. Mmm, refreshing! I get on the train and ride into town - there's some HS girls in their uniforms staring and laughing, but no biggie for me... I'm more concerned about who if anyone will show of the 4 people I was supposed to meet with since they all (supposedly) knew Shibuya station at 2, but no one but Kei knows exactly which exit since they were all supposed to call/text for more details upon arrival. I'm figuring if one person shows up then they'll have numbers of other people and everything'll work out.

I get to the station - 1:45. I head for the most common exit, Hachiko, and cross my fingers. After about 30mins. of walking around and staring at the gates as hundreds of people pass by in one of the busiest stations in the world much less the country, I rest on a wall right by the exit. Then, Kei shows up! What a relief. So after explaining the situation and sharing a laugh at my miserable state, we go to grab a bite - no one else showed and Kei doesn't have my roommates' or any of my other friends' numbers, but I'm not alone now and that's all that matters. Kei is so awesome. ;P

So she sticks around, as we figure that our next opportunity to meet up with others will be at the club at 11ish- Kei wasn't coming for DnB night since she had already bought tickets for another event, but she didn't want to leave me alone and said she'd stay til the last possible moment. We get to Ebisu close to the club, and wanting to grab a bite we go off to an English-style pub I discovered the other day for a Guinness and some fish & chips. After finding a seat I go to order. I go to the counter to pass the guy my ticket for the food, then turn around and there's Matt!! Totally out of the blue, we both decided to stop by the same place to waste some time til the club started up. After a few excited screams, I relay to him the day's escapades as we have a good laugh and resolve to have a beer. Where was he at 2? Well, over in Harajuku looking for me since I mentioned something about a possible picnic in Yoyogi earlier due to the weather. I grab Kei and drag her over to Matt's table, and after a few more excited screams we both melt in a mutual sigh of relief together in the corner. Matt pulled out his handy dandy cell as we agreed that this event must be properly documented with visual evidence of just what a pitiful mess I was at this point - again remember that this is me at about 10pm in front of a bar, looking exactly as I did at 10am. If you'll look closely, you may notice that I'm also still wearing the same dress socks I had on for work on Friday... a more total bum I could not be.

Matt offers me his key and says I could probably still just make it if I wanted to go home and change before the club, but screw that. Hell naw, with all kinds of Durgitude blaring and pj's blowing in the wind, I blaze my way to the club for a night of livelihood and general ruckus. Good times. I finally wound up ditching DnB and sticking with Kei after making sure everyone had each other's numbers... leading to another less random meetup with Matt at our station at about 6am on the way home. Again, documentation was necessary - sweater by Gap, bought in Shibuya earlier because of all the chilly wind; shoes by Don Quixote, bought since I can't dance in sandals. When I got home I checked my phone: 14 missed calls, 8 emails and 2 texts. A personal record for missed calls!

Now at least one or two of you may actually recall that this is not the first time that I have shown up to a club in sleep wear - even discounting last year's Halloween festivities, there was a certain foam party I remember at the old Buzz in DC in which I did not want to get my clothes wet and thus decided to go without... it's slightly problematic getting into a club in just boxers though as they don't have pockets to hold stuff like wallets and id, but I made due and didn't get any clothes wet! Anyone want to bet whether that will be the last time?

So let this be a lesson to us all - make sure that precautionary measures are taken in case of such emergency incidents as getting locked out, or you too may find yourself in downtown Tokyo wandering around in pajamas for hours and have loads of fun. Even my tragic disasters are fun lately - life is good!

Oh, and I rounded off the weekend by taking my bike in to the shop, making about $100 on 2 hours work translating, and grabbing some tasty pizza at California Pizza Kitchen since Yokohama has like everything. Mmm, mmm, bitch!

Et tu, mother?

Ok, this one just gets a big wtf... I come home to find a letter from my mom - pretty standard issue stuff, especially for someone who hasn't quite caught up with that whole interweb thingermabobber, right? Well if you think so then just have a closer look...


wtf, my name's not "Doglas"!! This is the kind of shit you expect from random solicitors, not the woman you burdened for 9 months before causing her excruciating pain and pulling a "camel-through-the-eye-of-a-needle" trick, only to cause her more angst and suffering over the next 18-25 years of your life! Was it the time I sat on you with the poof pillow? That (repeated) time(s) I did a burnout(s) in your car with you in it when I was still on my learner's permit? Subjecting you to years and years of rap and loud metal? The time I... oh wait, you might not know about that one. *sheepish grin*

"Doglas"... sorry I gotta publicly call you out on this one mom, but it was just too bizarre to let go the fact that the person that picked my name in the first place, the woman who prides herself on good grammar and spelling and has inspired me to correct and nitpick at people on no less than 2 continents, misspells her own son's name.

It makes me wonder where you got confused... Doug gets confused with dog all the time here in Japanland, but you certainly don't have that one to fall back on. I'm certainly no "dog lass"... at least I don't think I'm a bitch. It is true that I am rather "dog-less" at the moment, as I don't have room for a dog out here and the family dog kicked it a while back after living the dog's equivalent of a George Burns lifetime.

I find this rather perplexing to say the least. I don't how I'll sleep at night... guess I'll just have to think up ways of striking back, like naming your grandkids cool stuff like Darth, or Megatron, or Hayabusa... or buying you a size 4 dress and refusing to visit until you fit into it. Hmm... Darth Durgee...

I'm invinsible!!!

...or maybe I just have a golden horseshoe wrapped in a thick layer of 4-leaf clovers and sporting like 10 rabbit's feet dangling from it planted firmly between both cheeks of my pasty white buttocks. This weekend I have once again proven that I am much less of a Polock than my old man by not only narrowly escaping seemingly inevitable peril, but coming out completely unscathed and still smelling like peaches (I use scented shampoo).

You see, yesterday a frickin car hit me on my bike... check out the battle damage on the left: note the bent front wheel which is most definitely not facing the direction it should. But you see, that's to be expected when a FRICKING CAR RUNS OVER YOUR BIKE WITH YOU ON IT. You really gotta hear the play-by-play on this one though, pieced together from my own recollection and information relayed to me by my roommates Matt and Hiro, told from the vantage point of a whole 2-3 meters behind me.

We were all on our way to the station to head into town and catch up with Musafar, a friend from the Chiba days of yore in town from Osaka - Matt and Hiro were just commenting to one another how all the parking lot exits for the shops along this stretch with their big walls are nothing but a gauntlet of blind corners and how much it would blow if a car suddenly pulled out right in front of you... like THAT!!

Almost as if they somehow magically overheard the conversation, this minivan pokes its head out of the Denny's parking lot to get a peek of the road traffic, jutting directly in front of me with less than a split second to react. Now I remember the takeoff and the sensation of flying through the air, but as it all happened in a flash and it was all more natural reaction than voluntary motion anyway, I can't do any better than to give you Matt's account of what transpires from here.

So the van pulls out from my left - my front tire hits the front corner of the vehicle with enough force to send it under the van and me flying over the handlebars. As Matt and Hiro tell it, it looked as if I bailed the bike to my left as, with cat-like agility and adroitness, I almost appeared to jump to the right over the handlebars, performing a tightly-formed full front flip, landing squarely on my right shoulder/bicep and going into a textbook monkey roll. I sprung up instantaneously from my maneuvers in a fit of uncontrollable laughter, looking as if I had just performed a perfect 10 dismount from a gymnastical apparatus. So my condition after my 1.5 rotation dismount? Not a scratch, bruise or any other distinguishable blemish, which is more than I can say for either the bike or the van... which leads me to feel I could go a round with Mr. T in the tree-eating category. I would like to take this opportunity to thank my master Bruce Lee for teaching me to be like water - Johnny Knoxville, eat your heart out!

With all kinds of witnesses, I must've had at least 5-6 or so people coming up in befuddled utter disbelief as they check to see if I'm ok, only to find that there isn't even as much as a speck of debris on my jacket evidencing that I had just had a close run-in with a minivan would have easily sent a lesser man to a hospital bed for a while had the landing been awkward. The driver and his wife must've asked me at least 10 times between the two of them alone. Personally at that point, since I was feeling fine I was more concerned that we were going to be late meeting Musafar, so I just exchanged contact info and asked them to give me a ride to the station... the least they can do, right?

Now this certainly does leave me with a nice little story to tell, but it still means that I have no bike to ride until mine gets out of the shop, which may not happen until next week given scheduling and a store that closes as 5pm... grr. At least the driver of the van, with family in tote no less, was cool about things and says he's fine with paying to get the bike fixed. Here's hoping I haven't used up my luck on this one yet.

If you're wondering how the rest of my day went, we did finally meet up with Musafar before he left albeit a little late, and had an otherwise enjoyable evening chock full of sushi, Harajuku, a small live show and karaoke... basically business as usual.

New videos

Just finished uploading a bunch of videos onto the youtube account - check them out here:

http://www.youtube.com/user/ddurgee

This includes stuff from my Christmas visit back home and my recent snowboarding trip to Hakuba in Nagano, tons of fun!!

Japanese people's love/hate relationship with the cold

Given the snowy conditions today, I find it rather apropos to take this opportunity to comment on something that's always boggled my mind - Japanese people's reaction to winter weather.　If you've ever been here in the winter, it really doesn't matter where you find yourself or whether that area is actually cold or not, you will inevitably hear them complaining pretty much daily, sometimes hourly or more depending on circumstances, that it's cold in rather exaggerated fashion. Allow me to examine this with a bit more depth if you will, as the more I think about it the more I find this to be most decidedly bizarre.

First, it's rather unbelievable how much they bring up the cold unless you've experienced it yourself - they'll start saying it's cold and making shivering motions like a small chihuahua if it hits 10C (40F) or so... amusing if not annoying, but more like sweater weather if you ask me. 10F is cold, but 10C?? Get real. This might be slightly understandable in a place like Tokyo where it rarely snows or reaches freezing temperatures, but I heard the exact same from people up in Sendai where it gets at least as cold as back home. Well, I guess to be totally fair I should mention the fact that they did stuff like leave the windows open in the bathroom in the middle of January among other things... another Japanese mystery to me.

Now contrast that with this... 1st, to the right is exhibit one:

First off, I must note how disturbing it is to google for children's school uniforms in Japanese and have trouble finding images that don't make me feel dirty just for looking at them, but I'll leave that one for another day...

So what do elementary school kids have to do with this you ask? No, I have not been here long enough to develop a pre-pubescent lolicon, I just wanted you to check out their *WINTER* uniforms, which are actually quite conservative in relation to the reality which I witness on a daily basis. For the private school kids I see at the station on my way to work, I'd say take that boy's shorts and move them up to the point where you can't tell the difference between shorts and underwear and throw a goofy little cap on his mop, and that's what they all look like - whether it's 5 or 15C outside. They make these kids endure the cold in pretty minimal clothing... probably telling them it "builds character" or some such nonsense.

Moving along, women's winter fashion. These pictures are all taken in December in Shibuya, which is usually populated by the young who wish to be seen as trendy and fashionable. If you asked any of these girls I'm sure they'd tell you up and down that they're cold, but skirts rule in male-centric Japan and fashion and form supersedes comfort and warmth. I'm especially amused with the girls that just look like they're wearing a coat and boots... leggings/stockings cannot possibly be that warm, can they??? Anyway, looks to me like they can deal with the "cold"... if you wanna say that Tokyo is cold, that is. They also keep this form over function mindset with accessories as well... I could probably write a whole entry about that though.

I have a certain friend in particular that always seems particularly cold and was surprised when mentioning snowboarding to hear that she boards too!! This despite mentioning not liking the cold weather... I guess I can understand it being warmer when you're active and all, but this kind of thinking is still mind-boggling to me.

So how do I reconcile their insistence that it's cold with their bizarre wardrobe choices? How does a whole nation of people go from booty shorts and mini skirts as kids to shivering chihuahua adults?? Well, my theory involves two things. The biggest thing I'd say is temperature difference - they keep our office thermostat set at a blistering 26C (79F)! It's the same in the summer, with them keeping the A/C set at I'm guessing like 18-20C (64-68F) all around town. The drastic temperature changes make it feel super cold outside in the winter and tire you out real quick in the summer - I actually shiver sometimes entering a train or store in the summer with their A/C blasting. Such a waste if you ask me though to train the kids to deal with the cold with those uniforms, then ruin it all with the crazy temperature control. And the clothing thing... well that's just form over function taken to the extreme. They just care more about appearances than comfort or practicality, so they get what they ask for in that respect.

In closing, one last thing that makes me go hmm?? regarding the thermostat thing is how hypocritical it is for a country that's supposedly all about energy and resource conservation... yet another topic I'll have to save for another time since there's plenty to mention there too.

Ok this is getting long... I'll stop for now.

It's snow!!

Yey, yesterday I got my book about pirates and the Terps won!!

Then today I wake up this morning greeted by the wonderful wetness of... snow!! To the left is a pic of the snow adorning the entrance of the new subway line out front of my apartment, set to open next month. I probably won't use it that much since although it's convenient having a 30-second walk to the station, it'd cost me probably 2-300yen more a day roundtrip since it's a different line... hopefully others won't feel the same though and will flee en masse to the newest, coolest train evar and leave my train alone, thus substantially reducing my ever-growing urge to kill babies upon the mere sight of trains in the morning. If any of my neighbors are reading this, forget the weird station name and take the Green Line!! Think of the helpless babies!!!

So anyway, at first I was all excited at the prospect of rolling around and sliding in the snow, but upon closer inspection it's one big wet mess, just a step away from rain. Still, this is the most snow I've ever witnessed locally (without traveling specifically to see it, that is) in my short time in the 'pan. It's even the 2nd time this year there's been snow in Tokyo!

I must say, something strange is afoot in the world this year. It's a year which saw snow in Baghdad (insert "cold day in hell" comment here), a year in which southern China is being downright pummeled with snow, and now a year in which snow actually comes to Tokyo?? And sticks?!?

I mean sure, the 1st snow in a Middle Eastern city in 70 or so years and the worst snow in 50 years in other parts of the world is shocking news (especially after last year), but that's waaaay the hell over there - out of sight, out of mind right? And now I hear that back home in a land that I've personally seen up to 2' of snow (60+ cm), it was a balmy 50-something?? Crazy, but still has very little to do with me at the moment.

If it snows in southern California or Florida then I will take it as a sign of impending catastrophe and run around outside flailing my arms above my head in disarray and panic. Meh, I might do it anyways right now and make a snowman while I'm out there. ;P

The most obnoxious 16yo in our lifetimes

Ok, I just have to post about this kid... you may have seen or heard about him in the news. So long story short, there's this 16yo from Melbourne who threw a house party while his parental units were out of town, 10 people becomes 50 becomes 500 and the cops are after them with dogs and a ghetto bird trying to quell a veritable riot of underage drunkards pillaging the streets. The aftermath? 20,000AD in fines and a helluva lot of explaining to do when the 'rents get home.

Words cannot describe how comical this is... a kid has a party that gets so out of hand that it makes national, nay international news??? Do yourself a favor and strap yourself in for the next 3:26, because you need to watch this video right now... and then maybe click on some of the follow-up ones that are linked, which are almost as funny. Is this really real???



PS: Terps beat #1 UNC- WOOOO!!! ...and I want those glasses, bad.

Mr. T in the 'Pan???

So I have come across what I consider to be a quite amazing discovery over the past week or so- Japanese people know and love Mr. T!!!! The thing is, they don't actually know that they love him... allow me to explain.

Recently, I've been walking around with the cover of Pity the Fool, Season 1 (the one with the felt on the cover - you need this NOW if you don't have it already) as the wallpaper on my spiffy high-res Japanese cell phone display. This usually gets at least a nice smirk on my face, but there are times that I just totally forget it's there and open the display only to be unable to control the ensuing fit of laughter. Priceless.

So obviously people are going to ask me what I'm laughing at, or I'll just preempt this inevitability and feel compelled to share some of the coolest American culture ever to wear a mohawk and 300 lbs of gold chains. Some laugh (ok most), some give me weird looks (what's new), but the best reaction was the one I received the other day... "oh, the guy from the A-Team!" whawhawhaaat!!! As I delve deeper into this matter like it were a nice hearty bowl of cheese and spinach dip, I find that in fact the A-Team was in syndication in Japan in the 80's!! Not only that, but this guy was obviously a fan - he remembered Murdock and Hannibal by name and that B.A. Baracus "don't fly on no planes fool!" So it apparently went by the moniker 特攻野郎Aチーム (tokkou yarou A-chiimu), which is funny because it's made up of the same word they use to describe kamikaze pilots, asshole/bastard, and then the group we all dotingly refer to as the A-Team. This means that basically the Japanese name means "Crazy bastard A-team"... wrap your head around that one for a minute if you will. I only wish that American writers had thought of it first. He said people used to go around calling people A-yarous and stuff even! But- couldn't remember the name "Mr. T".

This has inspired me to look up more random factoids on the one, the only, the T. So I wiki'ed it. So he was apparently first a bodyguard for famous people, including boxers!!?? And charged $3000/day, and people paid it?!?? Ok, if a professional boxer pays someone to protect him, this must mean he believes that the guy could pick him up, snap him like a twig, and chew him up. Maybe Mr. T really does eat trees.

So anyhoo, I asked another friend today who previously told me how he grew up with Uncle Jessie, Uncle Joey, DJ, Bob Saget and the Olsen twins on Full House (man that was a surreal convo), and sure enough he remembered the face but couldn't place the name. I asked a guy at work that's a little younger than I and he didn't know, so I guess the cutoff is probably somewhere around 26-27 year old and up Japanese had the opportunity to see this gem of a show.

Try to imagine if you will the A-Team... dubbed in Japanese. I have a new mission in my life now, and it is to find video-taped evidence of this modern miracle in action.

UPDATE: It exists!!! On the Japanese wiki it said that the show aired in its entirety from '85-'87 in Japan. I found the opening (unfortunately nothing more though) on youtube after like 5 secs. of searching:



So yeah... if you didn't catch all that, Murdock goes by "Crazy Monkey", and B.A. Baracus says to call him "Kong". wtf??? Well I guess it does involve monkeys so....

Back in the 'hama

Ok, I'll write a slightly more meaningful post later, but for now I'm just here to say happy frickin' New Year. I'm back in Japan, at least in body, although I still feel like I'm about to keel over from jetlag after the day's work.

Before I pass out, a random thought for you to ponder which, in lieu of some primo drugs possibly only severe sleep deprivation can provide: why are cows sacred in India? I mean, out of all the animals they have, why pick the bovine? If it were me, I'd go with either an elephant or a tiger.

Let's weigh the options here: first cows. Ok, so I think we all know that cows are big dumb animals that'll eat their own shit if you don't stop them, which is totally disgusting. They are also quite tasty in their own right and provide me milk, which when combined with Kahlua and vodka forms the Voltron of drinks, none other than the almighty White Russian (has anyone ever met a Black Russian btw? Just curious). So I say that's at least like 2 or 3 reasons against cows without me even really trying - I'm not revering something that dumb and tasty when I could be clubbing it over the head and eating it. How the hell can you worship something that sits in a field and eats grass all day??

Now the flip side of the coin - what about the options? Elephants are supposed to be pretty smart I think... or at least have a good memory. They can do tricks and join circuses, and the pink ones can fly. I've also seen them help people celebrate what looks to be the most awesomest New Year's celebration evar, Songkran! That's one of those things I want to witness before I die, so mental association with this is automatic cool points for the elephants and their Lord of the Rings counterparts the oliphant. In fact, the fact that they made an LoTR appearance is another point! I also recently heard from a friend that apparently you can find our long-nosed friends occasionally frolicking and cavorting about on the highways of New Delhi. Finally, I don't know if they're tasty or not, but I've never heard of people lining up to bite into an elephant steak so I'm gonna go with "not as good as cows."

And now tigers, which I believe to be the most regal of the bunch. Tigers are fearsome predators which any Indian jungle-goers would know need to be respected. They look damn cool and downright majestic... good enough to worship? Well, better than a cow. Tigers are more likely to eat stuff than be eaten since they graze on cows and elephants, not grass. Tigers are just frickin' cool - you know you wanted to check out the tigers when you visited the local zoo as a kid.

So there you have it - any idea why Indians worship cows and not tigers? Respect the almighty tigers and elephants!!!

me on the Joba

Hey all-

So hopefully I should be seeing a bunch of you back at home soon enough, but in the meantime here's a video of pure Dougitude for you:



I've also uploaded some pics, including those from a brochure I picked up that was riddled with copious amounts of Engrish at the Tokyo Motor Show.

Ok, see you soon!

Go Speed Racer??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQyYPP9zR7M

Have you guys seen this?? I feel like I have been defiled and violated... the guys from the Matrix bring you - Speed Racer: the Movie. It looks like a cross between the Matrix and that Johnny Depp acid-trip remake of Willy Wonka. I would post pictures, but the homepage won't let you, so you'll have to go search them out for yourself, if you dare.

Now excuse me while I go search for a filthy stray dog to lick and get this nasty taste out of my mouth. Bleh.

Here lies: Hip-hop - R.I.P.

I've been saying it for years now, and it looks like there's a growing voice in the hip-hop community that agrees with me... or maybe we're all just getting old and waxing nostalgic about what I would argue were the golden days of rap.

So I ran across this album rather late considering it came out more than a year ago now, but that would be because it's usually too much hassle to sift through the 50 Cents, Lil' Jons and bad samples of Daft Punk songs of the world to find any rap worth listening to these days. I normally resort to recommendations of others and random stuff I run across from random sources, which have ranged from internet searches to tv/commercials and clubs.

Which recently brought me across this album by Nas - Hip Hop is Dead. Now it seems that in addition to the "Hip-pop" that 50, P-Diddy and all the Dirty Souf peeps come out with (to be fair, I can tolerate some Ludacris and Mystical, but that's about it) I'm starting to hear some more poetic/preachy rap like Mos Def... and finally downright condescending rap with this by Nas.

I like that he's trying to put some meaning back into things and get back to the roots of rap by putting a message in the lyrics, but I have a feeling that his delivery will fall on deaf ears with the intended audience. This album is him looking directly down his nose at pretty much everyone that's come out within the past 5 years or so and only giving props to those who've been around since he came out back in the early 90's. He wreaks of old man with songs about how bling is retarded, and I love him for it. I'm guessing the thought is that he's high profile enough and has paid his dues, so you really have no choice but to listen to him or get blasted. He certainly gets preachy, as he has in a couple other albums, but he can flow with the best of them so I'll let it slide. Besides, the roots of rap were all about giving the people on the streets a voice since they'd rather rap than vote - " The black vote mean nathan, who you gonna elect Satan or Satan?" He's a self-educated man, and even with the things I can't agree with I can see where he's coming from and don't doubt his intelligence.

So is hip hop dead, or dying? This album begs the question, since if it's good (which it is) then it basically proves itself wrong, right? Pretty much anything loses it's soul when it gets commercialized... I think the mainstream is only going to stay bad with the rare exception, with all the good stuff sticking to the shadows only to pop it's head out every now and then. So you keep the Diddy family and Kanye West, your bling and Rocawear, and I'll stick with Nas, Pharcyde, Outkast, Tribe, and Del.

Time to check out what others are saying on the topic....
here, and here

And here's looking forward to his next release, which I'm sure will get people talking just as much, if not more.

Oh.My.God.

Worst commute EVAR.

So I get up on the early side today, rather pleased that I'm in line to make the early train which is ever so slightly less crowded and affords me the room necessary to read my book in peace (currently reading Battle Royale (with cheese) in Japanese btw - 2x the gore of the movie!!). I get to the station with a good 2 minutes to spare and gaze up to the time ticker and see... nothing! Absolutely not a damn thing.

All the times were blanked out, and in their place was a message at the bottom - some jerkoff decided his life sucked, and he needed to end it while making millions of people's lives a little bit worse in the process, so he jumped in front of a train. I know it's sad that a suicide can be reduced in the minds of so many as a nuisance and delay to their daily lives, but when you don't know the guy and it doesn't happen right in front of you, that's reality. After the shit I went through this morning, I feel like going down to the morgue to stab dude in the face with a fork... I'd kill him if he wasn't already dead, and if you read on you'll know exactly why.

So anyway, I get up to the platform and it looks like what I imagine it'd be like if Lenny DiCaprio and Justin Timberlake base-jumped into an all girls high school campus. Wall-to-wall people as far as the eye can see. No express trains, just normal trains and delays as far as I could imagine. A guy actually came up to me and said he was taking pictures to send people back home. We got on the train and had a nice little chat... er, as nice as chats can be in such circumstances.

This was, for the record, THE busiest train I have ever been on, EVER. I'm talking like this was worse than the time that I pushed all the way up to the front of the moshpit at a Foo Fighters performance at the end of the HFStival a couple years ago... nothing but a sea of people everywhere you look breathing all your air and leaving you with naught but the fiery anger swelling in your bellows to keep you going. There were so many people that the guys on the platform who are normally there to help push people onto the train and make sure luggage doesn't get stuck in the doors were actually telling people to wait for the next train. Inside the train, not only was movement not possible, but there were actually people pushed to the point that they were sitting on the people sitting on the benches with another person hunched over their backs. It was the first time I've ever heard a Japanese person yell out in the train for someone to get off because it was too much to take and the person next to him was about to pass out from the pressure!

This went on for 2 frickin' hours... over twice as long as I'm normally on the train. I would've seriously considered just going back home if I didn't know that it'd take just as long and be just as painful to get back. It's really no wonder that at the end of the day on the way home I noticed that on the exact same line there was yet another jumper that afternoon - probably depressed from the shitty day he had thanks to people like the morning guy. I hear that this is the heavy season for suicides in this country whose citizens kill themselves more than just about all other civilized countries. And that is why I want to impale a corpse's skull with an icepick right now.

But hey, I'll get over it. On the bright side of things, I got my camera fixed under warranty the other day, so I'll be able to take some pictures again soon! Gotta get on that... I hear there's lots of Christmas lights displays that I'd just love to check out before coming home in a couple weeks. Ok, off to bed to do it all over again tomorrow.

Japanese pizza

What is this filthy excuse for a pizza that defiles my vision? Why, it's none other than the newest concoction from Pizza Hut Japan - the "winter double king" pizza.

Some of the toppings included on this pizza:

• mayonnaise
• king crab
• shrimp
• beef w/ demigras sauce
• broccoli
• onion
• corn
• egg
• potato

Now I like Pizza Hut out here, but that's because I don't even bother to look at their menu of "special" (like in the Forrest Gump sense I'm guessing) pizzas, except for a laugh. Corn and mayonnaise simply do not belong on a pizza anywhere, anytime, for any reason or under any circumstance.

And eggs! Ohhh, don't get me started on the eggs... I still look up to the sky and say a silent little "thank you" to the Big Man every time I find a sandwich not desecrated with the vile stench of eggs, with the noteworthy examples of breakfast sandwiches and egg salad.

For more check the original here with video - I like his poll options for whether you want this pizza or not: I went with option #3 - "I cannot answer this question because I'm too busy throwing up".

Doug gets no sleep

...along with the rest of the frickin country!! Ever since moving down to the Tokyo area, I've been averaging about maybe 4-5 hours sleep. I work sometimes as late as 7:30pm (average of maybe 6-6:30, which I don't mind as I'm paid hourly), and cannot for the life of me get to sleep before 1 most of the time. This is bad considering with the commute I wake up at 6, thus no sleep!

But as I say, I'm not alone in my struggle against the sandman. I read this article at my favorite Japanese weird fact source that says Japanese may cost themselves up to 30bajillion doll hairs per year in productivity from not sleeping, and I for one will agree if it means that they'll let me come in at like 10 or so. But seriously, I totally agree with the whole idea that staying in the office long hours does not necessarily mean you get more done. Work smart not hard, all the way. I'd do an experiment and see how much work I could get done just doing the 9-5 but sleeping more, but as I said I'm paid hourly and like the overtime bonus. That and I don't want to go to sleep all early and miss out on all the fun to be had staying out til last train with friends or vegging out watching downloaded American tv shows and movies.

Now my office certainly isn't one of those places where you automatically have to stay just because your boss doesn't want to go home yet, but they do have enough to keep you busy at times... especially my department. One thing that you might find crazy if you've never worked in Japan though is that every Wednesday is "go home on time" day, implying that no one does any other day of the week. Seriously, it's on the calendar.

The bra of the future is here!

I will never look at rice and miso soup the same again...

So the other day, I run across this article. Someone apparently thought it would be a good idea to make this bra with a built-in chopstick holster and cups made to look like a rice bowl and bowl of miso soup, and I would have to concur. But wait, there's more!! Not only does a collapsible set of chopsticks fit on the side, but see that little ribbon in the middle? That's a little chopstick holder so you don't have to just place them on the table!! Pure genius! The idea is that Japanese use entirely way too many disposable chopsticks, and this will inspire them to save a tree or something.

The one thing I still haven't figured out is how they expect you to nonchalantly whip these out in public without making a scene... then again, if girls can take their bras off without taking their shirt off then I'm sure they'll figure it out somehow. Anyone wanna volunteer?

There are more videos here if you just can't get enough.
Btw, in my search for more pictures of the 「マイ箸ブラ」, this came up too. The USB keyboard bra!! Man, I feel the carpal-tunnel syndrome coming on...

Tokyo Motor Show 2007

Ok... I take it back.

You may remember that a few months ago I mentioned I was holding out to see the rally version to make my final judgment call on the new Impreza, and I'm just oh so pleased as peaches that I did! The base model is still butt-ass fugly, which for those of you keeping score makes it as fugly as two asses, but they most indubitably made up for it with the rally car. I saw it this past weekend at... *drum roll*... the Tokyo Motor Show!

Among the attractions and in addition to the new STi and new Suburu STi Rally Car, I saw the new GT-R (technically not a Skyline anymore), the new Toyota FT-HS (successor to the Supra, and a hybrid), the new Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X (boring styling, but fast nonetheless), the new Suzuki Rally Car (they've been out of the game quite a while), and booth girls!!! Tons of booth girls! I hear they have a test drive section and some other stuff, but I didn't get around to checking that out. Back to the girls though...


One note of contention at essentially every Tokyo Motor Show is which booth has the best girls - I hear there are myriad magazine articles debating this very point to death. Now believe you me I looked long and hard, and although Suzuki and Subaru had some good contenders my hat goes off to the girls at Mitsubishi. This picture is a thing of beauty... legs as far as the eyes can see.

For more pictures, check out the flickr account on the right.

Oh and as a little note to all those that are paying attention - I'll be in town for the holidays!! Dates TBA shortly, but it'll be basically from Christmas to January 5th. EMAIL ME NOW!!! so we can plan stuff - I'll be spending plenty of time with the fam, but I'm definitely interested in seeing everyone else and doing something fun for New Year's. Hard to believe, but it's actually been a year and a half...

Bizarre Japanese bizness practices?

Dentsu Executive Offends and Humiliates Employee With Brothel & Onsen Trips

AP article

Ok, time for more news that's interesting to me. So apparently there's this guy that worked for the American branch of Dentsu, a major electronics company based out of Japan, that got fired for being sexually offended at some rather, erm, interesting hosting by the Japanese CEO on a couple business excursions.

At first I read this as some American guy getting all uppity about nothing - I mean, it sounds like the guy just took him to an onsen, very normal, and maybe a Soaplands or something. Big deal - maybe the Soaplands was pushing it, but it pretty much sounds like standard "getting to know you" kind of stuff that you'd see around here. When you work in Japan, people like to try and make social ties as well in order to strengthen business ties, so stuff like that's pretty par for the course as I see it.

Then I read more into it... this CEO guy's a real whack job! Apparently it wasn't a Soapland at all - it was an actual brothel on a business trip in the Czech Republic, and the guy was running around taking crotch shots of a bunch of women besides that. I heard in Thailand that Japanese businessmen are among the highest frequenters of Thai massage+++ establishments and love taking sex tours, so this doesn't surprise me. But then! The coup de grace was this little gem of an addendum:

Apparently, defendant Shigeta maintained that having sex with prostitutes was a "Japanese" style of conducting business. For example, defendant Shigeta once told plaintiff (as well as Ronald Rosen and Douglas Fidoten) that he and another Japanese businessman sealed a deal not with a handshake, but by hiring a prostitute in Mexico and having "double penetration" sex with her - i.e., where both businessmen had sex with the same prostitute at the same time. Defendant Shigeta explained to plaintiff that having "double penetration" sex was a way in which Japanese businessmen would commemorate business dealings.

Wha....??? Now I have heard tales of the infidelity and promiscuity of certain "Japanese businessmen", both 1st and 2nd-hand, but.... what??? Getting offended about being asked to go to an onsen is laughable. Being asked to a Soapland, or even a brothel, can easily be declined or avoided by going and simply not having sex. But sealing the deal on a Mexican hooker?? I guess the pen is mightier than... the pen. The American guy overreacted and suing is stupid, but that Shigeta guy could definitely use some straightening out.

There are some rather sick (yet colorful) people in this world of ours.

Yamanote Halloween Party 2007

So last night I went to the annual Yamanote loop Halloween party! I had a few ideas for a costume that I was tossing around - first I was thinking I should make use of my natural blondness and go as a Super Saiyan Gohan from Dragon Ball Z, then after shopping I got the idea that maybe a monkey suit would be good. My roommate Matt actually wound up using that one, but he went with a gorilla suit instead of the monkey suit. It worked. In the end though, I went with Spiderman. Not just any old Spiderman though... the homemade kind. Well, sort of. Just check the pictures... and videos.

This is apparently a party that's been going on for the last 20 years or so in which a few hundred people get all dressed up in costumes, meet up on the platforms of Shinjuku station, and basically take over one train for one entire loop around downtown Tokyo. It's BYOB insanity with a whole bunch of dissidents from both the foreign and Japanese community... or at least from those that know about it. Allow me to present Exhibit A.

Those who are against it say that 1) it gives foreigners in Japan a bad name and 2) that a couple hundred people frolicking and cavorting on the train in a semi-inebriated stupor is disruptive and wrong. Fair enough. They think that they should call up the police to round up the whole lot of them and put an end to the insanity once and for all.

Personally, while I understand the above arguments I don't see anything like that ever happening, and I'll tell you why. Anyone who's ever spend a significant amount of time in Japan knows that drinking in public is hardly illegal - in fact, you will see people walking down the street or even in the train drinking... I don't want to say regularly, but you see it. I mean, this is the country that has beer vending machines on the streets, right? This is not just a foreigner thing, as I have seen many an oyaji cracking open his Kirin Ichiban or just being plain-old belligerent on the train or platform. They sell beer on many train platforms too, btw, as well as in the shinkansens. Until they make drinking on trains or in public illegal, which isn't gonna happen anytime soon, this party will in all likelihood continue. Japanese people like drinking too much to put any limitations on when and where they can drink.

So do things like this give foreigners a bad name? Possibly, but most of the people whose opinions this would influence have already made up their minds from the getgo, whether based on reality or some farfetched and misplaced image of the foreign community they saw on tv or read online.

Is it disruptive and wrong? Disruptive yes, but only for one train on a weekend evening on a line that will always be crowded anyway. If you don't know, Yamanote is pretty much the busiest train line ever - it makes a loop around downtown Tokyo, which takes about an hour. As such there is a train coming every 5 minutes or so, so I simply urge those that don't want to be on a train with a bunch of obnoxious Halloween party goers to catch the next one. Considering its on a Saturday at 9pm I doubt that'll throw off anyone's schedules.

Wrong? Well, I don't know. Personally, if I could do this kind of thing at home I would, but there are laws in place which prevent me from doing so there. In Japan the unspoken rule is to put others in front of yourself and always be considerate enough not to be a nuisance to those around you, but as I said before there's no law against what's being done. If people were fighting or breaking things then I would oppose it, but I just see it as a bunch of people having fun for 1 hour out of the year in public and then going their separate ways. They push the lines and are definitely crossing cultural norms, but it's all in fun and they aren't breaking the law. In my eyes, it's not a big enough deal to raise a stink over - crying over spilled milk and all. I give this one a maybe... or even a yeah, but big deal. There are far more disturbing things going on that they should be concerned with, like having women-only trains because there are enough perverts that'll feel up girls or try and take upskirt shots of school girls to warrant them.

Anyway.... on to the pictures!! I must warn you though, if you don't want to see me half-naked in public then you may want to just move along.

Mask: 2000yen
Body paint: 800yen
1 pair Spidey whities, custom made to please: 300yen + 2 hours
Memories of public pelvic thrusts and "courting women" on the train: Priceless

Pictures on Flickr, videos right here.

EDIT: More pictures from a friend's party here!

Ye tale of olde yore

I stumbled across a wonderful little tale in my websurfing over at another blog. There are plenty of fairy tales out there, including quite a number of old Japanese folktales. This one takes the cake though, and then farts it out. My I present to you - the tale of the farting wife! Yes, you read that properly, the farting wife.


An excerpt for those that don't want to read the whole thing: "If you want to fart, fart," she says. "A fart's only a fart. Everyone farts. Why shouldn't you fart?" This in response to a young wife's embarrassment over being able to knock fruit down off trees with her southern gusts.

For those of you interested in reading the whole thing, click the link above.

Ding dong, the Hulk is... transferred

Yeah, that's right - feast your eyes on this guy. Take in all that manliness, and then zoom in and check out that killer look of determination (you may know it as the "Eye of the Tiger") on the face of a guy that looks like his head is about to explode. This, my friends, is one Hidenori Kasajima - winner of the Mister 40-y.o. division of the 15th Tokyo Open Bodybuilding Championships, 3rd in the Mister 75+ kg division, and last but not least.... the guy that hired me for my current job.

That's right, my boss is Ah-nuld, the Governator. Or more properly, "was" my boss for all of maybe a month and a half. Try if you will to imagine this guy wearing a suit. Not working? Well not to fret, it didn't really work for him either apparently. While I did find him entertaining with his unique and uh, colorful "English" and his laid back attitude, he in the words of a certain coworker who shall remain unnamed was not cut out for this job. I also saw just a little taste of his infamous temper, which I luckily didn't stick around long enough to experience 1st-hand. Let's just say you don't wanna get between this guy and his twinkies.

For sloppily handling probably one of the singly largest projects my company is current undertaking, he got about the worst punishment they delve out to people here - getting transferred. Not only that, but my job as editor-translator meant that it was my honor to write the guy's transfer notice on his last day! Mess with a billion-dollar project? Get transferred. An elementary school teacher gets caught selling the largest hoard of girls gym shorts amassed ever and upskirt shots of 10-year-old girls? Transfer him. Caught embezzling? Fine him $1,000 and then transfer him. Charged with manslaughter or rape a farmland animal? I'm gonna go with transfer to New Zealand, the land of Hobbits and sheep.

Firing just seems so rare out here... with the exception of being in the public eye. Politicians seem to drop left and right, but then again they "resign". I have my doubts as to how voluntary some of the resignations are, but these guys are grade A boneheads. Not that I ever really met a politician that I liked, but you know just sayin'.

I'm happier than...

I dunno, something that's really happy. I'm drawing a blank here. I'm definitely happier than the dog that sounds like he is dying a slow and torturous death outside my window, that's for sure.

More importantly than that! The day of atonement is upon us, for I have received in the mail this day a shipment of some of the finest beers that the monks at St. Bernardus in the sovereign nation of Belgium have to offer. Bask in the glow of my Belgian beauties, and ignore that pool of my drool off camera to the left.

This was a momentous weekend indeed - and not because I was quite deftly swinging a hula hoop around my neck in a bar last night after the bellydancers were finished with them, oh no. What makes it especially sweet is that I found a place that I believe will help quench my thirst for the one and only Ayinger Celebrator Doppelbock - the granddaddy of German beers. They had a 4-year old bottle sitting on the shelf collecting dust, which I find to be almost as deplorable as the fact that they would taunt me with it and not even have the courtesy to put it on the menu, but I forgive them that for giving me the opportunity to order some at exorbitantly marked up retail prices.

Finally, I shall leave you with a little gem I found in none other than everyone's favorite (or at least my dad's), Mc Donald's. There is actually a campaign for this girl called "f*ing motesto". Are we supposed to forgive her for what she knows not? Oh, and if you're wonder why the lack of pictures as of late, my camera broke. Bleh.

Wow - I feel safer already

TOKYO — The government will approve a draft ordinance stipulating that a mandatory fingerprinting and photographing of visitors aged 16 or older will enter into force on Nov 20, officials said Thursday. The revised Immigration Control and Refugee Recognition Law incorporating such a measure was enacted in May last year in a bid to block the entry into Japan of individuals designated as terrorists by the justice minister.

Full blurb, some other guy's opinion, and the Japan Probe writeup.

So I guess you can't exactly call this news, seeing as it's really something that developed a year or so ago and is just now going into effect, but whatever. As of next month, Japan is enacting a law that will make it so I'll have to get fingerprinted.... but only if I leave the country and try to come back in. Which I will eventually. There was some confusion due to mistranslation by a few news sources, but the only people exempt from this are special status permanent residents (i.e.: Korean nationals who grew up in Japan) and diplomatic staff. Those on regular permanent visas and the lowly work/spousal visas like myself, along with all tourists and the like will have to smile for the camera and stick their finger in some scanner thingy before entering the land of rice balls and Hello Kitty. I think you know which finger I'll be offering them first.

Personally I think it's pointless and stupid, but I'm not going to get all up in arms about it like some seem to want to. Places like the US and England, which is from what I hear leading the way towards the 1984 "Big Brother is watching" world of the future, are still worse if you ask me. More importantly than that though, I don't see why things like this should make anyone feel any safer. I find it highly dubious that countries all around the world are trading people's privacy rights in for the alleged cause of "safety", and even more dubious that general populace is simply letting them get away with it. I'd rather take my chances with the terrorists (because that's who this is all supposedly saving us from... sheah right) than the big bad gub-mintses. I'm sure Arlington Cemetery is a mess right now as Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Millard Fillmore (gotta love that name) lead all the POTUS's of yore in a collective rolling over in the graves and a sigh of dismay over the current state of the world. Somehow I doubt this is what the forefathers had in mind. Hideyoshi and Tokugawa on the other hand with their fear of foreigners might see it as par for the course, as I'm sure many Japanese currently do as well.

More importantly however, I just don't wanna have to stand in line for another 30 mins. at customs with all the tourists and new arrivals instead of just hopping in the much shorter citizens/residents line. I like the short line, dammit!

And thus, as the little glow stick entry band from last night's misadventures fades, another weekend in Yokohama comes to a close. How many more will follow is anyone's guess.

Why Japan is Ass Backwards

I'll tell you why.

So I just got back from the store - I've been liking the White Russians lately, so I picked up a bottle of Smirnoff and a bottle of Kahlua to go with the milk I had at home. Price? By current exchange rates, approximately $18. I think the equivalent amount would probably run me something like $45-50 back home.

I also bought some beer online earlier - 18 bottles for somewheres around $90. Now granted, this is stuff that would run you $5/bottle back home as well, so maybe that's not a good litmus test. I've recently gotten a hankering for my favorite beer in the world, and wanted to try a couple others I heard about as well. Oh, and speaking of which, you would not believe how hard it is to find this stuff around here.... I think there's like maybe 2 stores in the entire country that stock it! (...and both of them are out of stock)

So how about normal beer? Well normal beer will cost you something like $1.50-3/beer. Normal, right? Well yeah, except that if you buy a 6-pack, 12-pack, case or whatever, it's the SAME PRICE. WTF?? So basically, a 12-pack of your normal beer out here which I would pick up for like $10-12 back home runs like $20-22 here!

I see this as what some would refer to as "Bass Ackwards". All I can say is that by pointing me towards drinking more liquor it's good in a way since it's less fattening and all, but bad since it's stronger and stuff. Ah well, I'm just gonna sit here and enjoy my White Russian while waiting for my Ayinger and St. Bernardus. Woo.

Working in Tokyo

Ah yes... Monday is a get-out-of-work free day and my roommate's out riding horses or some such nonsense, so I'm enjoying a nice, relaxing evening at home alone for a change. Except for the wannabe biker gang kiddies that keep buzzing by my window, which reminds me that if anyone would like to purchase me a BB gun for Christmas it would be put to good use. In lieu of that, I would also accept some fine beers such as this or this.

So working in Tokyo isn't exactly for the faint-hearted in my opinion. I figured that since I've been working here for at least a good month or so, it was about time for me to give people the breakdown.

Where do I work? I work at IHI Corporation, which is one of the three heavy industries companies in Japan, as a translator in the construction department. Ok, well technically I'm employed by a dispatch company who sends me to IHI, but tomayto-tomahto. Oh, and technically I'm a "translator", but I do very little actual translation work. I do a bunch of editing though, as well as a whole bunch of random stuff which is teaching me all kinds of useful vocabulary, like butt-welding (*snicker*), and the Japanese word for terms like sphere tank and wiring control panel.

As for attire, now that Cool Biz is over I have to wear a tie to work, but I was told that a jacket's only really necessary for big meetings, which I won't be a part of for a little while.

Interestingly enough, most of the people at work can speak English, or at least understand it enough that they can navigate through all the documentation here, which is primarily in English since most all our business is international. Most all of them have been interesting places, either due to work or otherwise. I've talked to people about experiences in India, China, Taiwan, Qatar, UAE, Algeria, Mexico, Houston, Cali, Oxford, Cambridge, and probably some others I'm forgetting. Most of them are pretty cool people actually. With all the business trips people take (it seems half the people are gone at any given time), there's a new snack from somewhere around the world that someone brought back as a souvenir pretty much every day.

So let's see... how about a walkthrough of a normal day. So first off is the commute. I have to wake up at 6 to set out on a 10-min. bike ride to the station at around 7ish, after which I use my ridiculously expensive monthly train pass to take 1 transfer on a 1-hr. train ride to work. This is by far the least comfortable commute I've ever had to deal with ever... driving an hour in rush hour is one thing, but at least there you have your own space. Now I have these oyaji salarymen that sometimes wreak of b.o. because they don't believe in bathing in the morning (that's reserved for after dinner on the nights they don't stay too late at work or drinking) breathing their halitosis all over me and falling asleep on my shoulder as I struggle to find enough space to get a book in my face to pass the time. Oh, and room to breathe - always important, but sometimes a challenge. Seriously, if you have not experienced this first hand then you have no clue what I'm talking about - it's nuts. I seriously believe that there are sardines in cans that have more shoulder space then you do in one of those trains... it's like those old contests where you see how many people can fit in a phone booth or VW Beetle or something. This is easily the worst part of working in Tokyo thus far as I spend 2.5-3 hours daily in overall commute time... that's about the average too, by the way. Definitely moving closer in next year some time, but that comes with its own headaches... and the area's not exactly cheap.

So after arriving at work around 8:30, I wave hi to the guy whose job it is to bow and say good morning 1,000 times in a row as everyone walks in. You may call him a security guard I guess. So I get in the office and greet everyone on my way to flick on the computer in my nice, cushy leather chair with a great view from the 19th floor of a 25-floor building in a huge and open office room. There's nothing but high rises in this high-rent district of town, and my company owns the entirety of the Toyosu district in which it resides. You don't get your own desk here, you sit at a big long desk with no dividers together with all the people in your section instead. So then this chime rings which sounds JUST like the chime that goes off at the beginning of class in schools here, and they have a little 5-min. morning meeting in which they make announcements and then break into sections where everyone says what they have popping for the day. I found out this past week though that once a month they have a bigger meeting a few floors down which you have to go to, and at the end everyone points their fingers towards the front of the room and chants some bizarre company pledge which I didn't quite catch all of.

My "boss", the guy that hired me, has only actually been in the office half of my time here as he's been all over the place. And by all over the place, I mean that he's now in Algeria after a stop in Paris and Ankara (Turkey), from which he'll be back on the 15th. But then he leaves again on the 16th for another couple weeks and meetings with big important people, and I hear that he's set to spend a few months or possibly a year on the site in Algeria starting next year some time. I also hear (and see... it's my job to read/edit the contracts) that working on-site means 10-hr. days, 6 days a week, which makes road trips sound like more fun than a barrel of drunken monkeys. Oh, and apparently due to civil unrest or something, if you're on the site and would like to leave to go into town, you're only allowed to do so with guard escort.

So anyway, my day goes on until 5:30-6ish with me doing different random stuff pretty much everyday and talking to the girl whose job is apparently to flirt with me. Honestly I have no idea what she does besides make copies for people and turn the lights off at lunch (gotta save every little ounce of energy!!!), but she apparently speaks pretty good Chinese which is cool.

Stuff I've done? Editing/arranging/shipping a subcontractor proposal for a 1-billion dollar job with something like 20 lbs. of documentation, corresponding with said prospective subcontractors, hunting down and delivering all kinds of data and info for said clients, a little sudoku, some translation, watching the guy at the desk in front of me fiddle with cool CAD drawings of plane fuselages and LNG tanks, and figuring out what the hell things like gantt charts and event chain diagrams and BoQs are all about and how to read them. Along the way, I have found new functions in Word and Excel that I never knew existed in an effort to make things look nice and purty, since that's my job. Yey.

So that's it in a nutshell... oh, and I just realized the other day that now between me and my 2 brothers, we're now all doing something related to construction at one level or another. Weird how things work out sometimes.

I could go on, but I have a feeling few will have the mental stamina to trudge on further so I'll save it for another day. I think I talk too much sometimes.

"It's up to you"

Radiohead is the new king of musicians, and I'll tell you why: if you go to their website, they're offering their new album for download. Next to a blank where you would expect the price for said download to be is a link to four magic words - "It's up to you." I'd much rather pay $5 directly to Radiohead than really any price at a store for an album considering I think only like $2 or so ever gets directly to the artist in the end.

So yes, Radiohead is setting themselves up as pioneers, and I sincerely hope they start a trend. I don't think this would work for all artists, but the good ones (and the bigger names) can certainly get away with it.

Oh, and I even found an article about the whole thing.

Wiki...MAPia?

Ok, now I know what all those people that told me that GoogleEarth was addictive are talking about. The coolest thing since... I dunno, shnozzberry-flavored wallpaper, is Wikimapia, which I just discovered this afternoon upon the recommendation of the newer-than-me guy that just got transferred to our section on Monday. It's like Google Earth and Wikipedia combined with links and maps all intertwined and stuff. I think I found my new way to waste time for a while! Then again, I already have too many good ways to waste time...

Questions...

Ok, it's time for some random thoughts, by Jack Handey (+5 points if you catch the reference).

So I'm in one of those states right now where I'm meeting lots of new people lately, which means that I get to go through the whole inquisition that new people subject you to. I must tell you - some people just simply are not creative when it comes to trying to get to know someone. Where are you from, how long have you been in Japan, where did you learn Japanese... all perfectly valid questions, and yet all boring as hell. Today I met a guy, and he asked me whether I liked the US or Japan better. How am I supposed to answer that??? So my response was to in turn ask him whether he preferred a spoon or a fork. When he gave me that look of contemplation mixed with a whole bunch of confusion, I told him that's how I feel about that question too.

So the whole thing has got me thinking - what kind of questions are good ways to learn about someone? Does knowing where someone's from, or where they work, or whatever other inane question you can come up with about the standard details of someone's life for that matter really tell you anything about that person at all? Is it too optimistic to think that a person is more than where they've been and what they've done? Are Reeses Peanut Butter Cups like the best candy ever, or what?

Ok, I gotta go think up some more good icebreaker questions to save me from explaining my life history yet again. Maybe next time I'll go with snack foods. Mmm, peanut-buttery chocolatey goodness. I like Jenny's question too and George's famous pirate vs. ninja scenario, but then George's question doesn't always wow the ladies. Actually, I think that if you're looking for a way to weird out all but the coolest of Japanese girls then you should ask them whether they would pick pirates or ninjas to win in a fight. The ones that actually answer would be the keepers.