Doug gets no sleep

...along with the rest of the frickin country!! Ever since moving down to the Tokyo area, I've been averaging about maybe 4-5 hours sleep. I work sometimes as late as 7:30pm (average of maybe 6-6:30, which I don't mind as I'm paid hourly), and cannot for the life of me get to sleep before 1 most of the time. This is bad considering with the commute I wake up at 6, thus no sleep!

But as I say, I'm not alone in my struggle against the sandman. I read this article at my favorite Japanese weird fact source that says Japanese may cost themselves up to 30bajillion doll hairs per year in productivity from not sleeping, and I for one will agree if it means that they'll let me come in at like 10 or so. But seriously, I totally agree with the whole idea that staying in the office long hours does not necessarily mean you get more done. Work smart not hard, all the way. I'd do an experiment and see how much work I could get done just doing the 9-5 but sleeping more, but as I said I'm paid hourly and like the overtime bonus. That and I don't want to go to sleep all early and miss out on all the fun to be had staying out til last train with friends or vegging out watching downloaded American tv shows and movies.

Now my office certainly isn't one of those places where you automatically have to stay just because your boss doesn't want to go home yet, but they do have enough to keep you busy at times... especially my department. One thing that you might find crazy if you've never worked in Japan though is that every Wednesday is "go home on time" day, implying that no one does any other day of the week. Seriously, it's on the calendar.

The bra of the future is here!

I will never look at rice and miso soup the same again...

So the other day, I run across this article. Someone apparently thought it would be a good idea to make this bra with a built-in chopstick holster and cups made to look like a rice bowl and bowl of miso soup, and I would have to concur. But wait, there's more!! Not only does a collapsible set of chopsticks fit on the side, but see that little ribbon in the middle? That's a little chopstick holder so you don't have to just place them on the table!! Pure genius! The idea is that Japanese use entirely way too many disposable chopsticks, and this will inspire them to save a tree or something.

The one thing I still haven't figured out is how they expect you to nonchalantly whip these out in public without making a scene... then again, if girls can take their bras off without taking their shirt off then I'm sure they'll figure it out somehow. Anyone wanna volunteer?

There are more videos here if you just can't get enough.
Btw, in my search for more pictures of the 「マイ箸ブラ」, this came up too. The USB keyboard bra!! Man, I feel the carpal-tunnel syndrome coming on...

Tokyo Motor Show 2007

Ok... I take it back.

You may remember that a few months ago I mentioned I was holding out to see the rally version to make my final judgment call on the new Impreza, and I'm just oh so pleased as peaches that I did! The base model is still butt-ass fugly, which for those of you keeping score makes it as fugly as two asses, but they most indubitably made up for it with the rally car. I saw it this past weekend at... *drum roll*... the Tokyo Motor Show!

Among the attractions and in addition to the new STi and new Suburu STi Rally Car, I saw the new GT-R (technically not a Skyline anymore), the new Toyota FT-HS (successor to the Supra, and a hybrid), the new Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X (boring styling, but fast nonetheless), the new Suzuki Rally Car (they've been out of the game quite a while), and booth girls!!! Tons of booth girls! I hear they have a test drive section and some other stuff, but I didn't get around to checking that out. Back to the girls though...


One note of contention at essentially every Tokyo Motor Show is which booth has the best girls - I hear there are myriad magazine articles debating this very point to death. Now believe you me I looked long and hard, and although Suzuki and Subaru had some good contenders my hat goes off to the girls at Mitsubishi. This picture is a thing of beauty... legs as far as the eyes can see.

For more pictures, check out the flickr account on the right.

Oh and as a little note to all those that are paying attention - I'll be in town for the holidays!! Dates TBA shortly, but it'll be basically from Christmas to January 5th. EMAIL ME NOW!!! so we can plan stuff - I'll be spending plenty of time with the fam, but I'm definitely interested in seeing everyone else and doing something fun for New Year's. Hard to believe, but it's actually been a year and a half...

Bizarre Japanese bizness practices?

Dentsu Executive Offends and Humiliates Employee With Brothel & Onsen Trips

AP article

Ok, time for more news that's interesting to me. So apparently there's this guy that worked for the American branch of Dentsu, a major electronics company based out of Japan, that got fired for being sexually offended at some rather, erm, interesting hosting by the Japanese CEO on a couple business excursions.

At first I read this as some American guy getting all uppity about nothing - I mean, it sounds like the guy just took him to an onsen, very normal, and maybe a Soaplands or something. Big deal - maybe the Soaplands was pushing it, but it pretty much sounds like standard "getting to know you" kind of stuff that you'd see around here. When you work in Japan, people like to try and make social ties as well in order to strengthen business ties, so stuff like that's pretty par for the course as I see it.

Then I read more into it... this CEO guy's a real whack job! Apparently it wasn't a Soapland at all - it was an actual brothel on a business trip in the Czech Republic, and the guy was running around taking crotch shots of a bunch of women besides that. I heard in Thailand that Japanese businessmen are among the highest frequenters of Thai massage+++ establishments and love taking sex tours, so this doesn't surprise me. But then! The coup de grace was this little gem of an addendum:

Apparently, defendant Shigeta maintained that having sex with prostitutes was a "Japanese" style of conducting business. For example, defendant Shigeta once told plaintiff (as well as Ronald Rosen and Douglas Fidoten) that he and another Japanese businessman sealed a deal not with a handshake, but by hiring a prostitute in Mexico and having "double penetration" sex with her - i.e., where both businessmen had sex with the same prostitute at the same time. Defendant Shigeta explained to plaintiff that having "double penetration" sex was a way in which Japanese businessmen would commemorate business dealings.

Wha....??? Now I have heard tales of the infidelity and promiscuity of certain "Japanese businessmen", both 1st and 2nd-hand, but.... what??? Getting offended about being asked to go to an onsen is laughable. Being asked to a Soapland, or even a brothel, can easily be declined or avoided by going and simply not having sex. But sealing the deal on a Mexican hooker?? I guess the pen is mightier than... the pen. The American guy overreacted and suing is stupid, but that Shigeta guy could definitely use some straightening out.

There are some rather sick (yet colorful) people in this world of ours.

Yamanote Halloween Party 2007

So last night I went to the annual Yamanote loop Halloween party! I had a few ideas for a costume that I was tossing around - first I was thinking I should make use of my natural blondness and go as a Super Saiyan Gohan from Dragon Ball Z, then after shopping I got the idea that maybe a monkey suit would be good. My roommate Matt actually wound up using that one, but he went with a gorilla suit instead of the monkey suit. It worked. In the end though, I went with Spiderman. Not just any old Spiderman though... the homemade kind. Well, sort of. Just check the pictures... and videos.

This is apparently a party that's been going on for the last 20 years or so in which a few hundred people get all dressed up in costumes, meet up on the platforms of Shinjuku station, and basically take over one train for one entire loop around downtown Tokyo. It's BYOB insanity with a whole bunch of dissidents from both the foreign and Japanese community... or at least from those that know about it. Allow me to present Exhibit A.

Those who are against it say that 1) it gives foreigners in Japan a bad name and 2) that a couple hundred people frolicking and cavorting on the train in a semi-inebriated stupor is disruptive and wrong. Fair enough. They think that they should call up the police to round up the whole lot of them and put an end to the insanity once and for all.

Personally, while I understand the above arguments I don't see anything like that ever happening, and I'll tell you why. Anyone who's ever spend a significant amount of time in Japan knows that drinking in public is hardly illegal - in fact, you will see people walking down the street or even in the train drinking... I don't want to say regularly, but you see it. I mean, this is the country that has beer vending machines on the streets, right? This is not just a foreigner thing, as I have seen many an oyaji cracking open his Kirin Ichiban or just being plain-old belligerent on the train or platform. They sell beer on many train platforms too, btw, as well as in the shinkansens. Until they make drinking on trains or in public illegal, which isn't gonna happen anytime soon, this party will in all likelihood continue. Japanese people like drinking too much to put any limitations on when and where they can drink.

So do things like this give foreigners a bad name? Possibly, but most of the people whose opinions this would influence have already made up their minds from the getgo, whether based on reality or some farfetched and misplaced image of the foreign community they saw on tv or read online.

Is it disruptive and wrong? Disruptive yes, but only for one train on a weekend evening on a line that will always be crowded anyway. If you don't know, Yamanote is pretty much the busiest train line ever - it makes a loop around downtown Tokyo, which takes about an hour. As such there is a train coming every 5 minutes or so, so I simply urge those that don't want to be on a train with a bunch of obnoxious Halloween party goers to catch the next one. Considering its on a Saturday at 9pm I doubt that'll throw off anyone's schedules.

Wrong? Well, I don't know. Personally, if I could do this kind of thing at home I would, but there are laws in place which prevent me from doing so there. In Japan the unspoken rule is to put others in front of yourself and always be considerate enough not to be a nuisance to those around you, but as I said before there's no law against what's being done. If people were fighting or breaking things then I would oppose it, but I just see it as a bunch of people having fun for 1 hour out of the year in public and then going their separate ways. They push the lines and are definitely crossing cultural norms, but it's all in fun and they aren't breaking the law. In my eyes, it's not a big enough deal to raise a stink over - crying over spilled milk and all. I give this one a maybe... or even a yeah, but big deal. There are far more disturbing things going on that they should be concerned with, like having women-only trains because there are enough perverts that'll feel up girls or try and take upskirt shots of school girls to warrant them.

Anyway.... on to the pictures!! I must warn you though, if you don't want to see me half-naked in public then you may want to just move along.

Mask: 2000yen
Body paint: 800yen
1 pair Spidey whities, custom made to please: 300yen + 2 hours
Memories of public pelvic thrusts and "courting women" on the train: Priceless

Pictures on Flickr, videos right here.

EDIT: More pictures from a friend's party here!

Ye tale of olde yore

I stumbled across a wonderful little tale in my websurfing over at another blog. There are plenty of fairy tales out there, including quite a number of old Japanese folktales. This one takes the cake though, and then farts it out. My I present to you - the tale of the farting wife! Yes, you read that properly, the farting wife.


An excerpt for those that don't want to read the whole thing: "If you want to fart, fart," she says. "A fart's only a fart. Everyone farts. Why shouldn't you fart?" This in response to a young wife's embarrassment over being able to knock fruit down off trees with her southern gusts.

For those of you interested in reading the whole thing, click the link above.

Ding dong, the Hulk is... transferred

Yeah, that's right - feast your eyes on this guy. Take in all that manliness, and then zoom in and check out that killer look of determination (you may know it as the "Eye of the Tiger") on the face of a guy that looks like his head is about to explode. This, my friends, is one Hidenori Kasajima - winner of the Mister 40-y.o. division of the 15th Tokyo Open Bodybuilding Championships, 3rd in the Mister 75+ kg division, and last but not least.... the guy that hired me for my current job.

That's right, my boss is Ah-nuld, the Governator. Or more properly, "was" my boss for all of maybe a month and a half. Try if you will to imagine this guy wearing a suit. Not working? Well not to fret, it didn't really work for him either apparently. While I did find him entertaining with his unique and uh, colorful "English" and his laid back attitude, he in the words of a certain coworker who shall remain unnamed was not cut out for this job. I also saw just a little taste of his infamous temper, which I luckily didn't stick around long enough to experience 1st-hand. Let's just say you don't wanna get between this guy and his twinkies.

For sloppily handling probably one of the singly largest projects my company is current undertaking, he got about the worst punishment they delve out to people here - getting transferred. Not only that, but my job as editor-translator meant that it was my honor to write the guy's transfer notice on his last day! Mess with a billion-dollar project? Get transferred. An elementary school teacher gets caught selling the largest hoard of girls gym shorts amassed ever and upskirt shots of 10-year-old girls? Transfer him. Caught embezzling? Fine him $1,000 and then transfer him. Charged with manslaughter or rape a farmland animal? I'm gonna go with transfer to New Zealand, the land of Hobbits and sheep.

Firing just seems so rare out here... with the exception of being in the public eye. Politicians seem to drop left and right, but then again they "resign". I have my doubts as to how voluntary some of the resignations are, but these guys are grade A boneheads. Not that I ever really met a politician that I liked, but you know just sayin'.

I'm happier than...

I dunno, something that's really happy. I'm drawing a blank here. I'm definitely happier than the dog that sounds like he is dying a slow and torturous death outside my window, that's for sure.

More importantly than that! The day of atonement is upon us, for I have received in the mail this day a shipment of some of the finest beers that the monks at St. Bernardus in the sovereign nation of Belgium have to offer. Bask in the glow of my Belgian beauties, and ignore that pool of my drool off camera to the left.

This was a momentous weekend indeed - and not because I was quite deftly swinging a hula hoop around my neck in a bar last night after the bellydancers were finished with them, oh no. What makes it especially sweet is that I found a place that I believe will help quench my thirst for the one and only Ayinger Celebrator Doppelbock - the granddaddy of German beers. They had a 4-year old bottle sitting on the shelf collecting dust, which I find to be almost as deplorable as the fact that they would taunt me with it and not even have the courtesy to put it on the menu, but I forgive them that for giving me the opportunity to order some at exorbitantly marked up retail prices.

Finally, I shall leave you with a little gem I found in none other than everyone's favorite (or at least my dad's), Mc Donald's. There is actually a campaign for this girl called "f*ing motesto". Are we supposed to forgive her for what she knows not? Oh, and if you're wonder why the lack of pictures as of late, my camera broke. Bleh.

Wow - I feel safer already

TOKYO — The government will approve a draft ordinance stipulating that a mandatory fingerprinting and photographing of visitors aged 16 or older will enter into force on Nov 20, officials said Thursday. The revised Immigration Control and Refugee Recognition Law incorporating such a measure was enacted in May last year in a bid to block the entry into Japan of individuals designated as terrorists by the justice minister.

Full blurb, some other guy's opinion, and the Japan Probe writeup.

So I guess you can't exactly call this news, seeing as it's really something that developed a year or so ago and is just now going into effect, but whatever. As of next month, Japan is enacting a law that will make it so I'll have to get fingerprinted.... but only if I leave the country and try to come back in. Which I will eventually. There was some confusion due to mistranslation by a few news sources, but the only people exempt from this are special status permanent residents (i.e.: Korean nationals who grew up in Japan) and diplomatic staff. Those on regular permanent visas and the lowly work/spousal visas like myself, along with all tourists and the like will have to smile for the camera and stick their finger in some scanner thingy before entering the land of rice balls and Hello Kitty. I think you know which finger I'll be offering them first.

Personally I think it's pointless and stupid, but I'm not going to get all up in arms about it like some seem to want to. Places like the US and England, which is from what I hear leading the way towards the 1984 "Big Brother is watching" world of the future, are still worse if you ask me. More importantly than that though, I don't see why things like this should make anyone feel any safer. I find it highly dubious that countries all around the world are trading people's privacy rights in for the alleged cause of "safety", and even more dubious that general populace is simply letting them get away with it. I'd rather take my chances with the terrorists (because that's who this is all supposedly saving us from... sheah right) than the big bad gub-mintses. I'm sure Arlington Cemetery is a mess right now as Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Millard Fillmore (gotta love that name) lead all the POTUS's of yore in a collective rolling over in the graves and a sigh of dismay over the current state of the world. Somehow I doubt this is what the forefathers had in mind. Hideyoshi and Tokugawa on the other hand with their fear of foreigners might see it as par for the course, as I'm sure many Japanese currently do as well.

More importantly however, I just don't wanna have to stand in line for another 30 mins. at customs with all the tourists and new arrivals instead of just hopping in the much shorter citizens/residents line. I like the short line, dammit!

And thus, as the little glow stick entry band from last night's misadventures fades, another weekend in Yokohama comes to a close. How many more will follow is anyone's guess.

Why Japan is Ass Backwards

I'll tell you why.

So I just got back from the store - I've been liking the White Russians lately, so I picked up a bottle of Smirnoff and a bottle of Kahlua to go with the milk I had at home. Price? By current exchange rates, approximately $18. I think the equivalent amount would probably run me something like $45-50 back home.

I also bought some beer online earlier - 18 bottles for somewheres around $90. Now granted, this is stuff that would run you $5/bottle back home as well, so maybe that's not a good litmus test. I've recently gotten a hankering for my favorite beer in the world, and wanted to try a couple others I heard about as well. Oh, and speaking of which, you would not believe how hard it is to find this stuff around here.... I think there's like maybe 2 stores in the entire country that stock it! (...and both of them are out of stock)

So how about normal beer? Well normal beer will cost you something like $1.50-3/beer. Normal, right? Well yeah, except that if you buy a 6-pack, 12-pack, case or whatever, it's the SAME PRICE. WTF?? So basically, a 12-pack of your normal beer out here which I would pick up for like $10-12 back home runs like $20-22 here!

I see this as what some would refer to as "Bass Ackwards". All I can say is that by pointing me towards drinking more liquor it's good in a way since it's less fattening and all, but bad since it's stronger and stuff. Ah well, I'm just gonna sit here and enjoy my White Russian while waiting for my Ayinger and St. Bernardus. Woo.

Working in Tokyo

Ah yes... Monday is a get-out-of-work free day and my roommate's out riding horses or some such nonsense, so I'm enjoying a nice, relaxing evening at home alone for a change. Except for the wannabe biker gang kiddies that keep buzzing by my window, which reminds me that if anyone would like to purchase me a BB gun for Christmas it would be put to good use. In lieu of that, I would also accept some fine beers such as this or this.

So working in Tokyo isn't exactly for the faint-hearted in my opinion. I figured that since I've been working here for at least a good month or so, it was about time for me to give people the breakdown.

Where do I work? I work at IHI Corporation, which is one of the three heavy industries companies in Japan, as a translator in the construction department. Ok, well technically I'm employed by a dispatch company who sends me to IHI, but tomayto-tomahto. Oh, and technically I'm a "translator", but I do very little actual translation work. I do a bunch of editing though, as well as a whole bunch of random stuff which is teaching me all kinds of useful vocabulary, like butt-welding (*snicker*), and the Japanese word for terms like sphere tank and wiring control panel.

As for attire, now that Cool Biz is over I have to wear a tie to work, but I was told that a jacket's only really necessary for big meetings, which I won't be a part of for a little while.

Interestingly enough, most of the people at work can speak English, or at least understand it enough that they can navigate through all the documentation here, which is primarily in English since most all our business is international. Most all of them have been interesting places, either due to work or otherwise. I've talked to people about experiences in India, China, Taiwan, Qatar, UAE, Algeria, Mexico, Houston, Cali, Oxford, Cambridge, and probably some others I'm forgetting. Most of them are pretty cool people actually. With all the business trips people take (it seems half the people are gone at any given time), there's a new snack from somewhere around the world that someone brought back as a souvenir pretty much every day.

So let's see... how about a walkthrough of a normal day. So first off is the commute. I have to wake up at 6 to set out on a 10-min. bike ride to the station at around 7ish, after which I use my ridiculously expensive monthly train pass to take 1 transfer on a 1-hr. train ride to work. This is by far the least comfortable commute I've ever had to deal with ever... driving an hour in rush hour is one thing, but at least there you have your own space. Now I have these oyaji salarymen that sometimes wreak of b.o. because they don't believe in bathing in the morning (that's reserved for after dinner on the nights they don't stay too late at work or drinking) breathing their halitosis all over me and falling asleep on my shoulder as I struggle to find enough space to get a book in my face to pass the time. Oh, and room to breathe - always important, but sometimes a challenge. Seriously, if you have not experienced this first hand then you have no clue what I'm talking about - it's nuts. I seriously believe that there are sardines in cans that have more shoulder space then you do in one of those trains... it's like those old contests where you see how many people can fit in a phone booth or VW Beetle or something. This is easily the worst part of working in Tokyo thus far as I spend 2.5-3 hours daily in overall commute time... that's about the average too, by the way. Definitely moving closer in next year some time, but that comes with its own headaches... and the area's not exactly cheap.

So after arriving at work around 8:30, I wave hi to the guy whose job it is to bow and say good morning 1,000 times in a row as everyone walks in. You may call him a security guard I guess. So I get in the office and greet everyone on my way to flick on the computer in my nice, cushy leather chair with a great view from the 19th floor of a 25-floor building in a huge and open office room. There's nothing but high rises in this high-rent district of town, and my company owns the entirety of the Toyosu district in which it resides. You don't get your own desk here, you sit at a big long desk with no dividers together with all the people in your section instead. So then this chime rings which sounds JUST like the chime that goes off at the beginning of class in schools here, and they have a little 5-min. morning meeting in which they make announcements and then break into sections where everyone says what they have popping for the day. I found out this past week though that once a month they have a bigger meeting a few floors down which you have to go to, and at the end everyone points their fingers towards the front of the room and chants some bizarre company pledge which I didn't quite catch all of.

My "boss", the guy that hired me, has only actually been in the office half of my time here as he's been all over the place. And by all over the place, I mean that he's now in Algeria after a stop in Paris and Ankara (Turkey), from which he'll be back on the 15th. But then he leaves again on the 16th for another couple weeks and meetings with big important people, and I hear that he's set to spend a few months or possibly a year on the site in Algeria starting next year some time. I also hear (and see... it's my job to read/edit the contracts) that working on-site means 10-hr. days, 6 days a week, which makes road trips sound like more fun than a barrel of drunken monkeys. Oh, and apparently due to civil unrest or something, if you're on the site and would like to leave to go into town, you're only allowed to do so with guard escort.

So anyway, my day goes on until 5:30-6ish with me doing different random stuff pretty much everyday and talking to the girl whose job is apparently to flirt with me. Honestly I have no idea what she does besides make copies for people and turn the lights off at lunch (gotta save every little ounce of energy!!!), but she apparently speaks pretty good Chinese which is cool.

Stuff I've done? Editing/arranging/shipping a subcontractor proposal for a 1-billion dollar job with something like 20 lbs. of documentation, corresponding with said prospective subcontractors, hunting down and delivering all kinds of data and info for said clients, a little sudoku, some translation, watching the guy at the desk in front of me fiddle with cool CAD drawings of plane fuselages and LNG tanks, and figuring out what the hell things like gantt charts and event chain diagrams and BoQs are all about and how to read them. Along the way, I have found new functions in Word and Excel that I never knew existed in an effort to make things look nice and purty, since that's my job. Yey.

So that's it in a nutshell... oh, and I just realized the other day that now between me and my 2 brothers, we're now all doing something related to construction at one level or another. Weird how things work out sometimes.

I could go on, but I have a feeling few will have the mental stamina to trudge on further so I'll save it for another day. I think I talk too much sometimes.

"It's up to you"

Radiohead is the new king of musicians, and I'll tell you why: if you go to their website, they're offering their new album for download. Next to a blank where you would expect the price for said download to be is a link to four magic words - "It's up to you." I'd much rather pay $5 directly to Radiohead than really any price at a store for an album considering I think only like $2 or so ever gets directly to the artist in the end.

So yes, Radiohead is setting themselves up as pioneers, and I sincerely hope they start a trend. I don't think this would work for all artists, but the good ones (and the bigger names) can certainly get away with it.

Oh, and I even found an article about the whole thing.

Wiki...MAPia?

Ok, now I know what all those people that told me that GoogleEarth was addictive are talking about. The coolest thing since... I dunno, shnozzberry-flavored wallpaper, is Wikimapia, which I just discovered this afternoon upon the recommendation of the newer-than-me guy that just got transferred to our section on Monday. It's like Google Earth and Wikipedia combined with links and maps all intertwined and stuff. I think I found my new way to waste time for a while! Then again, I already have too many good ways to waste time...

Questions...

Ok, it's time for some random thoughts, by Jack Handey (+5 points if you catch the reference).

So I'm in one of those states right now where I'm meeting lots of new people lately, which means that I get to go through the whole inquisition that new people subject you to. I must tell you - some people just simply are not creative when it comes to trying to get to know someone. Where are you from, how long have you been in Japan, where did you learn Japanese... all perfectly valid questions, and yet all boring as hell. Today I met a guy, and he asked me whether I liked the US or Japan better. How am I supposed to answer that??? So my response was to in turn ask him whether he preferred a spoon or a fork. When he gave me that look of contemplation mixed with a whole bunch of confusion, I told him that's how I feel about that question too.

So the whole thing has got me thinking - what kind of questions are good ways to learn about someone? Does knowing where someone's from, or where they work, or whatever other inane question you can come up with about the standard details of someone's life for that matter really tell you anything about that person at all? Is it too optimistic to think that a person is more than where they've been and what they've done? Are Reeses Peanut Butter Cups like the best candy ever, or what?

Ok, I gotta go think up some more good icebreaker questions to save me from explaining my life history yet again. Maybe next time I'll go with snack foods. Mmm, peanut-buttery chocolatey goodness. I like Jenny's question too and George's famous pirate vs. ninja scenario, but then George's question doesn't always wow the ladies. Actually, I think that if you're looking for a way to weird out all but the coolest of Japanese girls then you should ask them whether they would pick pirates or ninjas to win in a fight. The ones that actually answer would be the keepers.

Summer of Doug, pt. IV - Okinawa: picture edition!

I love you guys almost as much as I love this fish...

After no less than a 1 month delay, I'm finally getting around to putting up pictures from my trip to Okinawa! As a side note though, this does not yet include the underwater diving pictures, so stay tuned for those. If you give me even more time, I might even comment on what the hell the pictures are about... wouldn't that be something!

A new milestone in the world of Japanese humor!

This day is a truly great day for Japanese people.

You see, since arriving at my new place of business a few short weeks ago I've been hanging out with this one guy in my section in particular. It only makes sense since he's the only guy on my side of the office that's my age and sits diagonally in front of me - he also knows all the younger people at work and has some interesting friends. So the language of business in the office is usually Japanese, with 2 glaring exceptions: one is my boss, but calling that English is a stretch sometimes, and the other is lunch with my new cohort. We speak Japanese in the office and out with friends since I don't want to alienate anyone else, but I know he doesn't get any other chance to practice and he's good enough to hold a decent conversation, so I don't mind it at lunch.

In fact, I've taken it upon myself to teach him some of the finer details of the English language, including humor, and I think he's catching on pretty well. I'm working hard to dispel the whole concept of the "American joke", which is basically the Japanese way of saying "I think you expect me to laugh, but I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

So I started by trying to explain sarcasm to him and am easing him in slowly - he sees what's going on, but told me that the total deadpan straight delivery I give him still throws him off some. It's to be expected. I swear a tear almost came to my eye today though as he caught me totally off guard today - the exchange went a little something like so:

(he buys an energy drink, complaining of fatigue due to playing Mahjongg too late in celebration of Hump Day, which I of course explained to him in excruciating detail a couple weeks back)

Yudai: I'm sooo tired! *cracks open drink and proceeds to chug*
Me: You know, you should be careful with that stuff - it'll make your breath wreak!
Yudai: You mean, like your mother?
Me: *remembers telling him about "your mom" jokes and struggling to stifle laughter* ...yes, YES!! Exactly like my mom!

Compared to most Japanese people this guy is a comic genius! I've met some that have spent a whole year in the US and still don't understand things like sarcasm, and this guy's telling momma jokes after just 3 short weeks! I think it might be time to up the ante and put him on the fast track. I feel some South Park and Chappelle's Show coming on in his near future.

This just in: the new Impreza is ugly.

Oh, it's true. Don't believe me? Allow me to present exhibit A:

More crappy pictures here

So the other day I saw what appears to be the newest evolution of one of my favorite cars, the Subaru Impreza. All I have to say is I hope they have some awesome body altering kits, because this thing is about as attractive as a pug... or maybe even this dog. Ok ok, maybe that's a little harsh, but I really don't like it.

The back on the wagon in particular is hideous, while the front is just... blah. Very nondescript. You could've told me it was a Corolla and I would've believed it. I'll have to see what the rally team does with the car though as if anyone can make it look good they can. And if they can't? Well, luckily I probably won't be in the market to get another car for a few years, so maybe that'll give them time to sort things out. Or maybe I'll just get an Audi or something.

An ode to Yul Brynner

Yul Brynner was the man. At one point he was the King, then a pharaoh. Then he just let it all hang out with his wang out in a magnificent western based on an Eastern before ending up in Westworld.

And this is where I caught up with him the other day. I was first introduced to Yul in his role in Westworld way back when by a friend, but I feel my recent reacquaintance with him garners at least an honorable mention.

Besides all his acclaims and accolades as an acting god, he also has such wonderful exchanges as:

Yul: we need some good gunmen.
some guy: well that shouldn't be hard - everyone in town's got a gun.
Yul: Sure - just like they all have... pants. (imagine this in the voice of that guy that played Elaine's boss in Seinfeld for full effect)

This is exactly what Matt and I have been laughing about for the past week since seeing the Magnificent Seven, which comes highly recommended by me by the way. Besides looking like the Rock 30 years ago and being the epitome of coolness, he's got a kickass accent that makes just about anything sound awesome. It's like he's the predecessor to Arnold, the Rock, and Bruce Willis all wrapped into one superhuman being that we can only refer to as Yul.

Summer of Doug, pt. III - Doug hits the road!

Ok, this one'll be a little long...

When we last left our hero, I finished up my year in Shichigahama on a rather busy note. Ok so that's not exactly true... my job actually left me in Narita with my old boss, and on a Friday night no less. We went out for a drink or two, and that was pretty much that. I'm drawing a blank on what happened that Saturday - I'm sure it was magical and wonderful - but on Sunday we had tickets to Summer Sonic! Summer Sonic is one of the two huge music festivals here in Japan if you didn't know, with this year featuring the likes of the Polysics, the Pillows (another kickass Japanese band), Black Eyes Peas, UNKLE, Social Distortion, and... the Offspring!!! Along with a bunch of other people. There was actually a band called Hadouken, which as cool as it sounds with all its Street Fighter goodness was rather disappointing. Maybe if they had backup dancers dressed like Chun Li doing spinning dropkicks across the stage it'd help a bit. Anyway, it was a wild and crazy time, as you can see.

From there, I took the next Tuesday off from buying stuff and settling in to meet a friend and go to the land of monkeys, Nikko! I was extremely disappointed not to find any actually monkeys, but there was plenty of monkey memorabilia to play with if you remember a certain video. The carving below shows the famous "hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil" in monkey form outside a world heritage site that is absolutely stunning. The saying in Japanese actually includes monkeys, which automatically makes it cooler than the English.


Another note about Nikko monkeys - they're known for being rather mischievous. Apparently you really have to watch your wallet or they'll swipe it, along with anything else loose in your pockets. I've heard stories of them breaking into unlocked cars and stuff too. It'd almost be worth it to be mauled by these primates just to have them waiting in my car looking for tasty morsels of... whatever. MONKEYS!! My obsession with monkeys is rather unhealthy if you didn't know. But then, if you ask me an obsession with monkeys is never unhealthy.

There was also a really nice waterfall and this crazy and awesome road known as Irohazaka (the other 2 videos previously posted) that you have to go up (and down) to get there and back. See, in Japanese there's this poem that basically contains the whole Japanese "alphabet" called the Iroha poem - 47 characters in total, all used only once including two that have fallen out of usage, to make a perfect pangram. The Irohazaka coincidentally enough has 47 turns, which are each ridiculous if you remember the pictures/video, with one character assigned to each turn. All this in one day!

So from there I go back to Yokohama, took a trip up to Miyagi one more time to finish moving all my luggage and try and sort out some car stuff (still have to work that out!! grrr....) while attending the party of the same friend that went to Nikko with me. From there I went directly to my birthday party, which was a beach bbq with jungle juice and topped off with "Gay Music" (if you don't know then don't ask... or do, whatever).

Then a week later was Okinawa... still need to get the pictures up for that one. I have about 300 to sort through, so it's taking me a while. I believe that one deserves its own post, so I'll break there for now.

Will it blend?

Long night last night... one of those late nights where you wake up in a strange place and take the walk/train ride of shame, then pass out in your little cave-like shelter from the world and it's nasty sunlight, wishing it'd all just go away and leave you alone for 8-10 hours.

So I hear word of this new kick-ass iPod touch that pretty much is like an iPhone, just without the phone and with twice the storage capacity. Looks rather interesting, but I think I'll keep my wallet in my pants for the time being. That's not what I wanted to write about though... looking around at iPod/iPhone stuff brought me to this:


What?!?!??? Absolutely dumbfounded by this quirky goggle-clad genius with his product that belongs on an infomercial at 3:30 in the morning like that guy with the question-mark tie, I click on the video and am not disappointed one bit:

"iSmoke - don't breathe this!"... brilliant!

The website can be found here - I also recommend the glow sticks (must be the old party kid in me - raverrrrz ;P) and the coke smoothie.

And for those not satisfied, more randomness is just a click away.