Getting your license in Japan

Okay, now it's time to get down to business: getting a license in Japan. I'm sure it sounds fun enough - not quite as good as some Jello pudding pops, but at least as much fun as the MVA/DMV back home, right? Ohhh, if you thought that was a pain then you don't know the half of it, mhaw, mhaw.

See now for some of the luckier amongst the foreigners here in Japan, getting your Japanese license can be a total breeze. If you just plan on being here for one year or less, then you can get by just picking up one of those international driver's permits at AAA for like $15 like I did at first. Only problem is, that only lasts a year. If you want to drive more than a year, you need a real license, and that's where it can get fun.

For the uninitiated, getting a license in the US is about as hard as beating my mom in a game of Super Mario Kart (and I'm pretty sure she's never even heard of Super Mario Kart). They should pass them out free with Slurpees at 7-11 or something. Getting a license in Japan on the other hand can be an actual achievement... depending on where you're from.

Remember driving classes back in high school? Well Japanese kids who spend their whole lives in Japan get to go to driving school to get their license, which takes months and costs around 300,000 yen... that's $3,000USD. They're guaranteed to get their license at the end of all of it, but I hear there's a 200-question exam at the end and you have to get a 95% or above, then take the driving exam. No cake walk, and takes a chunk of your savings.

Foreigners who have a license from home can just get it transferred though and skip the course. Simple, right? Wait, there's more...

So I’ll walk you through the process using my own experience. First, you have to get your license translated… but you’re not allowed to do it yourself, even if you’ve been translating stuff officially for about 2 years. No no, you have to go to JAF, which is the Japanese equivalent of AAA, and have them translate it for 3000 yen. What a scam. Oh, and of course this office isn’t in an exactly convenient location as there are only really 2 in the Tokyo area apparently… took me a good chunk of time too (at least 2-3 hours round trip).

Ok, so now that you have your translation, you have to take it along with your foreign license, your passport, and foreign registration card to the Japanese MVA. Now here it gets a bit goofy – they check your passport to see how long you had your license in your home country before coming to Japan. If you renewed your license within 3 months of leaving your country then they won’t even give you a license without an official driving record from back home… within a year and it’s the same deal or else they try to class you as a new driver and make you stick one of these spiffy “I’m a noob” stickers on any car you drive for a year. Shyeah, that’s gonna happen. When I talked to them, they seemed totally oblivious to the fact that when you renew a license they don't let you keep the old one and just expect you to carry it around with you.

Now at this point the next step depends on what country you’re from: if you’re lucky and you’re from a handful of countries including England, Germany, Canada (!!) and others, then you just pay them like 2100 yen or so and go pick up your license. If you are from the US, however, they group you in with the countries like Vietnam where people can’t drive and make you run the skills test gauntlet. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to argue that an American license is worth any more than just over the cost of laminating it, but how the hell did Canada get an exemption!!?? This is probably one of those things best not thought about too long unless you’d like to pop a vein in your forehead and die of an aneurysm, like how Celine Dion has somehow accumulated 5 Grammys over her lifetime.

So anyway, skills test. The place I went had whack hours for the tests… 8:30-11:00am and 1:00-3:00pm, no weekends or holidays for the initial step and Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8:40am by appointment for the driving portion. The initial step is simple – eye test and a 10-question computer test with such mind-benders as “can you drive after drinking?” (Answer: No, unless you’re Chuck Norris) If you fail that then you either don’t understand English (yes, the test is even in English), or you don’t even deserve an American license. Oh, and even if you breeze through this, they've scheduled things to guarantee that you cannot get everything accomplished in one day.

Ok, so next it's time for the driving test. This test really isn’t that hard, but what it is is excessively anally nit-picky. They'll fail you for things like not being as far left as you could have been before making a left turn, not signaling exactly 30 meters before changing lanes and stopping on the line for a stop sign/signal instead of behind it. For this reason and this reason alone, most everyone fails on their first time excepting those that take lessons, and a lot of people take many, many more times, which sucks since you have to pay the registration fee of 2100 yen every time you take the test and wait until the next available testing date. I met a guy from Nepal (closer to Vietnam than the US on the driving scale) that said he was on his 7^th time. My girlfriend who lived out in CA for a while said she failed her first 2 times and got scared by the instructor laying into her the second time, then passed the 3^rd time after waiting like a year and taking a few brush-up courses for 20,000 yen or so. I myself got it on the 2^nd try – 1^st time hit a curb on their super-narrow S-section (nerves I guess), and passed the 2^nd time.

So it took me 4 days spread over two weeks and about 9000 yen, but now I have my license again! Plenty of Japanese people that live abroad, even if just for a few months, will get their license abroad and get it transferred like my girlfriend did, just because of how much cheaper it is… 300,000 yen?!?!?? Compared to that, 20-30,000 yen is nothing. Wow, just wow.

So here’s the finished product – I’ll be writing a guide to the process and driving test in particular as a project for work for those interested, just give me a week or two to get everything together.

What the hell is up with the economy?

Could somebody please tell me??

I leave the country for a week, then hear that a whole bunch of big ass banks are out of commission or on the ropes... Lehman Brothers files for bankruptcy, the US government bails out AIG, Merrill Lynch bought out by Bank of America... what the hell?? Aren't these like frickin' huge names? Now I hear that of the 5 biggest investment firms in the US only 2 are left standing? Wow, we really suck.

This reminds me of the bubble crash in Japan in the 1990's... not quite as drastic (yet), but potentially disastrous if someone doesn't right the ship soon. I am sooo glad I get paid in yen and live halfway across the world right now... I have a feeling my money shall be staying away from the US, at least until things bottom out.

Speaking of which, any speculators wanna let me in on exactly when that'll be and what signs to look for? If not then I'll just assume that this is the end of the US as we know it and the terrorists have won. Pretty soon Iran, Saudi Arabia and Columbia are going to put all their oil funds together and buy out the US and rename it United Stackistan, the Confederacy of Oil Conglomerate Kingdoms (just because it has a nice abbreviation), then stick G.W. in a Saddam-like little cubby hole for a few weeks before having Dick Cheaney shoot him in the face, and hang Al Gore upside down by his wee-wee from a eucalyptus tree with a hemp rope and run around on camels screaming "I told you so!" in Arabic. Then Skeletor will rise up and take over control of the White House from the oil guys, of course renaming it Castle Greyskull. Dark, dark times abode for the US, and only He-Man can save us.

PS: yes I'm exaggerating, but that's only because it's fun. That is, it's fun when I do it, not when the news does it since they just make the problem worse by freaking people out.

Vietnam, in a macademian nut shell

Ok, back from Vietnam and all rested up! Time for a quick summary of my impressions of country #7. First off, my 6 days took us from a flight transfer in Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon) to the beaches of Nha Trang, then up to Hanoi for a night and out to Halong Bay for a day before flying back to Narita. Pretty busy for just under a week, but unfortunately that's how vacations usually go out this way as time off in Japan is rather limited.

On the total opposite end of the spectrum, Vietnam is great if you'd like to forget about all concept of time and just relax. They're not too big on schedules out there from what I could see... or maybe that's just how the beaches work. In any case, a watch was definitely not needed or of much use in Nha Trang.

My top 3 impressions of Vietnam:

1. Nice people
2. Traffic in Hanoi
3. Crazy tropical fruit


Nice People

At first I was rather sceptical, as the big scam in Vietnam with expensive taxi rides from the airport that take you to their over-priced hotels was my first impression. Now while I say expensive, I'm talking basically of a difference between normal at about $15 to expensive at maybe $25 or so for a 35km ride. In otherwords, expensive in Vietnam is still cheap, and once you get the hang of how things work you can get around the ripoffs.

As time went on and I got more used to things though, I found that the people were in general pretty nice, although knowing absolutely no Vietnamese and their spotty grasp of English meant that while they generally got the gist of things, details were definitely lost in conversations. In stark contrast to Japan, however, while most can't speak English everyone tries, even if it takes them beyond their abilities.

Probably the best example was on the way back to the airport. We made a stop at the hotel we stayed at in Hanoi the night before to pick up luggage and take a shower - the plan was to grab some Pho before hitching a taxi to the airport. We asked the guy at the hotel front desk about a good place for some quick noodles... he nods, then gets up and goes in the back. I thought he'd come back with a map, but instead he brings a case of beer and proceeds to start loading the fridge! We didn't have time so I went to look for the other guy manning shop, who was helping someone out on the internet. Then the first guy comes back and says he's going to take us to a Pho place, but as it was sorta far we'd have to hop on the back of his bike. I've never actually had hotel staff escort me to a restaurant before, and this meant that we got to ride through town in the transportation of choice, a scooter. Not only did he take us to a nice place which made for a lovely last evening in Vietnam and fit perfectly into our schedule, but it also leads into the next point of...

Traffic in Hanoi

Amazing... simply amazing. This is one of those things you really just have to see for yourself to believe. By luck of the draw we spent our one night in Hanoi during the Moon Festival - think of it sort of like Vietnamese Thanksgiving and Halloween all rolled into one - which meant that the normal craziness of Vietnamese traffic was compounded by a factor of like 5 or so. The roads are packed with motorbikes and seemingly have no order to them whatsoever, and yet no one seems to drive any faster than about 40kph or so and I didn't see one crash. You get people riding on both sides of the road and weaving all over the place, with pedestrians crossing pretty much anywhere, and yet it all works. With the traffic and watching them shoot off lanterns into the sky for the Moon Festival, we sat at this one interesection for a good 1-2 hours, just watching.

Crazy Tropical Fruit

Ok, so there is fruit in this world that unless you've been around SE Asia you probably have never heard of in your life. I had this one thing called a dragon fruit, there were these others called mangosteens, some spiky-looking lychee things called rhambutans, and some wierd grape-like things with a shell on them. We had fruit pretty much with every meal as it was cheap and excellent.

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See, now I would provide you with pictures of all this, but unfortunately I lost my brand new camera on the last day, dropped in the sea in Halong Bay. I think I miss the 300 or so pictures I took even more than the $300 or so that I lost on the camera... cameras can be replaced.

Other than that I would say it was one of the most enjoyable trips I've had, despite having a cold for most of it.

Good Morning, Vietnam!!

Ok, finally sealed the deal on my Vietnamese domestic transfer, which means that I will officially as of tomorrow night be on the beaches of Nha Trang, Vietnam!

I shall take this week to lick my wounds from failing my driving test today... not totally surprising since most everyone I know that brings a license from the US fails their first time out here. Once I get back I'll work on the "New Doug for 2008" series outlined previously, but as things are running tight here I need to get packing... right after I go pick up my tickets!

Quick note to anyone going to Vietnam: if you checked the prices of domestic flights online, know that those prices are only good WHEN YOU ARE IN VIETNAM. Also, you need at least a minimum of two days with which to procure said tickets, or else you wind up buying them through your local branch and paying the normal [insert your country here] prices. This means that if at all possible, you should stay in Hanoi/Hochiminh for 2 days and fly out on the 3rd to take advantage of this... if you can find 2 days worth of stuff to do in Hanoi/Hochiminh. My suggestion - do Hanoi and hit up Halong Bay or something.

Ok, back in a week with pics and stories!

Angola vs. Regional

In spite of being quite busy lately with various random tasks, including some annoying last minute details on my latest excursion (to Vietnam - this makes country #7!!), I did make time to get out to the Brazilian Festival going on this past weekend in my favorite park in Tokyo, Yoyogi! For anyone coming out to Tokyo, Yoyogi Park is a definite don't miss: all in one afternoon you can get your classical culture fix visiting Meiji Shrine, then get your modern culture fix in Harajuku whilst shopping and oogling random weird people and stuff. You see the most random of stuff on the bridge from Harajuku station to Meiji Shrine, including the famous cosplay girls, as well as all kinds of weird street performers. That, and you can find just about anything in the park, from the Fonzie-wannabe 50's dancers and drum circles to soccer and frisbee to... those weird guys that practice their choreographed sword fights under the trees, and the guys I saw with quite deliberately placed trash can lids and signs on their bodies as they were themselves sprawled across the lawn - whatever your interests it's a great way to spend an afternoon, especially in the summer when the weirdos are out in full effect.

So anyhoo, most every weekend in the summer has a different festival, and this weekend was the Brazilian Festival, with my capoeira group was doing a performance right off the bat on the first day. Of course I couldn't miss it, but just for cathartic disclosure I did sleep in and miss the first 10 minutes or so (shhhh!!!). After that there was a free roda (pronounced "ho-da". It’s easy to remember: just think “hoedown”, but way cooler. Heh, capoeira hoedown, yee-haw.) in which people from all around the country and a few in from abroad even played capoeira for a good 2-3 hours. That was one of the most interesting gatherings I've been to in a while!

One theme which reared its head a few times over the course of the day though was a slight bad vibe between the two main schools of capoeira: Angola and Regional. In general, Regional (pronounced "hey-joe-nal") is the newer style and probably the one that most people are familiar with. If you saw someone flipping around and stuff, more than likely it was Regional. They came up with a sort of belt system to mirror other martial arts... it's more about form and show than it is about really being effective as a fighting style though if you ask me, but then the flips and stuff are most definitely fun in their own right. Here's people having fun flipping around, spinning on their lips.

Angola on the other hand is the original capoeira, just as it has been since the slaves in Brazil developed it way back when. It tends to be slower and closer to the ground, which takes more strength and balance. It's much more closed so you don't leave yourself open to attacks as much, and while there's still a bunch of whole lot of inverted stuff going on, it doesn't have as much of that acrobatic element that is so definitive of Regional... Angolistas are also much more likely to take the opening and knock you back on your ass if you let them too. Here's a vid of Angola style.

I started out doing the former and am now practicing the latter, so I'm sort of in the middle and can't really see why the two wouldn't get along, but apparently some don't agree. When I talked to some Regional friends, they would say how they thought Angola was boring, which I can understand since it isn't as flashy (the basics are harder though if you ask me). If you listen to the people in my current Angola group, they sort of talked down at some of the Regional people, saying they were out of control and wild... to their credit, at least twice some Regional player fell into the berimbau while trying some move, which is a big no-no. Still, the mumbling behind backs and all sorta irked me. If you watch them play together you'll definitely notice a difference in styles, but at the same time you can tell they're just two different styles of the same sport.

In the end, the maestres (teachers) all get along and understand how to look at the big picture and keep the capoeira love going... I think when people get to that level they can appreciate each other's respective strengths and skills more. I just wish everyone saw it like that... it's just another in the series of artificial barriers that human nature seems to love to create for no other apparent reason than to make unnecessary friction. Why can’t we all just get along???

Reminds me of a famous Doug's lyrics:

"So why does there only have to be one correct philosophy?
I don't want to go and follow you just to end up like one of them.
And why are you always telling me what you want me to believe?
I'd like to think that I can go my own way and meet you in the end.
Go my own way and meet you in the end."

-Doug Robb, Hoobastank (a.k.a.: the Mountain Dew Band)

Doug is not dead!!

Ok, so technically no, but I have currently had no real internet access for the past week and a half, and won't get real access back for another 2 weeks yet still... and my phone gets shit for reception at the new place. This to me is basically like being dead to the world. I've currently brought my laptop into the (new) office long enough to catch up on mail and things.

When I get the chance, I'll be filling you guys in on what it's like to:
- apartment hunt in Tokyo (hint: nightmare)
- move in Japan (not as bad as apartment hunting, but frickin expensive!!)
- get a license in Japan (results will be in tomorrow on this one... work in progress)

I might be adding more to the list as I start actually writing as that tends to make you think of more. For now, I have completed my move to a place within Tokyo called Komae City, and from the latter half of the month shall be working with cars again - this time as an exporter at a friend's business... this guy has big dreams and bank accounts to match, so I'm hoping this will lead somewhere.

Until then...

Monkey sighting... in Shibuya!!!

Ok, now tell me that is not the awesomest headline everer... I just saw this on tv and it was abso- frickin- lutely hilarious! There were something like 15-20 cops chasing this one monkey around for hours - with nets. No tranquilizers, totally low tech with the nets. I believe this says it all:

“It’s a monkey - it’s not like it did anything bad,” a police spokesman said, adding that the animal was still on the loose.

The monkey was spotted hopping around by the automatic ticket gates at a train line in Shibuya Station in central Tokyo at about 9:40 a.m. .

It then ran downstairs to the entrance to another line, climbed up and down a pillar and ran around the ticketing machines before taking refuge on top of a train information board for two hours, a spokeswoman for railway operator Tokyu Corp said.

Awesomeness... pure awesomeness. Full story with video footage here.

Nobody Sleeps Like the Japanese Do

...oh it's true. Japanese people are amazing when it comes to sleep - many have the uncanny ability to sleep at the drop of hat once sitting in just about any moving vehicle. It's something you experience on a daily basis while taking the trains in Tokyo... if you're lucky enough to snatch one of the highly coveted seats on the train, oft times you find yourself shrugging a fellow train warrior off your shoulder as he/she attempts to fall into a hibernation-like slumber, totally oblivious and incapable of keeping from using you as their pillow.

I have personally been beset on both sides by slumbering riders at least once. This phenomenon is not limited to seats either, as I've had people standing next to me nod off and start wavering in my direction as well.

My theory as to the reasoning for this is a combination of overwork and/or under sleep. I know a few people that count the 1-2 hours of sleep they regularly get on the train in their daily sleep totals... they depend on this time to get the sleep necessary to be (sometimes barely) functioning members of society. Only problem is that this only works for working people, and you see plenty of youngsters nodding off too... my theory is still in need of some tweaking.

Another interesting corollary of the Japanese sleep phenomenon is that you will regularly find scenes such as those to the right on Saturday and Sunday mornings all over downtown Tokyo if you happen to be out early enough. If you yourself are on the way back from a late night, you are guaranteed to spot a few of them, especially in the notorious party districts like Roppongi or Shibuya.

Now granted, this is a situation where the majority of the populace normally are faced with two less than optimal choices - go home on the last train of the night (12:30ish... night just beginning), or the first train (5-5:30ish... past most people's bed times). Those who choose the latter don't always make it the whole way or don't pace themselves and wind up passed out on the sidelines, like our friends here.

I myself suffer from this syndrome occasionally, but in my case I make it to the train at least... it just takes me more time to get home than usual as I sleep past my stop, sometimes repeatedly. The worst occasion of this I can recall was one time when I got on the train going the wrong way and rode it all the way up into Saitama somewhere, maybe a good hour or so out of Tokyo and on the complete opposite side from Kanagawa where I live. After finally getting back on the train the right way and of course passing out again, winding up at the end of the line past my stop and doubling back again, I think I got home around 11am with at least a good 3-4 hours of train sleep under my belt.

By the way, the idea for this post was inspired by a very amusing community on Facebook, which if you are signed up for I highly suggest you check out, like now. All these pics are borrowed from said community.

Back by popular demand...

Ok, I would hereby like to apologize to my apparent fan base back home - I have been asked by no less than 5 people in the last week when I'm going to update this blog. Yes I've been absent for the better part of 2-3 months now, and it's not because of a lack of anything new for sure... quite the opposite. There's plenty to tell, just not enough free time budgeted to updates here.

A few tidbits:
-back into capoeira the last couple months - good times
-moving to downtown Tokyo - more good times
-I'm now 29 - good times (pics uploaded)

The rest will have to wait until substantiated answers can be provided, so patience. Once the move has been completed it'll mean my commute will be cut at least in half, providing me with more of the sleep that my body craves more than crack but also placing me smack dab on 2 of the main lines in Tokyo for the uber-convenience that people dream about and I need. Hopefully this will mean more time for updates too, so keep your fingers crossed.

In the meantime, I've uploaded pictures of my birthday party on flickr - the rest can be viewed on facebook if you're into that sort of thing. Ok, won't be 2 months this time, promise!!!

The tale of two keitais

So this past week was Golden Week, which meant a couple 4-day weekends for yours truly. I took the opportunity to take a trip up to my old stomping grounds in Miyagi, which was definitely relaxing and enjoyable.

The only caveat - I had to say goodbye to something that has been near and dear to me for the past year or so, my cell phone, taking with it all the numbers accumulated in it over the past year. Pictured on the right are the culprit (right) and its replacement, with a new buddy tagging along known as marimokkori, the Sendai version. I call him Date Mokkori since it's the marimokkori of Date Masamune of Sendai fame.

So what is this marimokkori exactly you ask? Well I'm glad you did, because you know I'm going to tell you anyway as they exude more awesomeness than a platypus's mammary glands. Marimokkori is this cute (apparently) green toy that originated up in Hokkaido. Marimo is a kind of algae they have up in Hokkaido, and mokkori is another name for... a crotch! As you may notice from his likeness to the left, mari is always rather proud of his bulging mokkori. I used to have a mokkori monkey as my keitai strap for a while actually, but I lost him. I guess monkeys are meant to be free.

Oh, and if you're wondering how my phone died it was rather abrupt and with no warning, but I do have an idea what might have happened... it was shortly following this incident that I noticed it died:



Totally, totally random. Ah well, this time around I got one with a SIM card and a memory card. Backups people!

Stuff you always wanted to know (but were never bored enough to look up)

Hey, look what woke me up last night about 1:30 in the morning!

Ok, so let's talk about platypuses, as apparently my spell checker is telling me that platypi is not correct as I originally had thought. However, a little Wiki tells me that the "pseudo-Latin" platypi is the colloquial form, and that it would be platypodes if put into Greek as the singular form is. Anyway maybe I'm alone on this one, but I think they're cool.

So in a sometimes futile effort to stave off boredom at work when things are slow, I run across some rather interesting (to me) things in my random net meanderings.... today's stop by the good 'ol BBC got me looking into our nice and cuddley duck-billed monotrematic buddies, and oh my GOD you would not believe the fountain of trivial knowledge that I stumbled upon - this to me was like stumbling across the El Dorado of Wikipedia entries. For instance, did you know that a baby platypus is referred to as a puggle? Or that the males have poisonous hind legs and the powers of electroreception? Or that while as members of the mammal family they do have mammary glands and lactate, they don't have nipples? Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up... no wonder people thought these things were a hoax when they first discovered them.

So did I stop there? Of course not, because in explaining what I was looking at to the girl sitting next to me at work I found out that platypus in Japanese is カモノハシ ("kamonohasi"), which as I see it pretty directly translates to "duck-nosed". Makes sense. And the only other monotreme (単孔類, "tankourui") currently in existence is the echidna (ハリモグラ, "harimogura").

This means that I can now say things like

"単孔類の生き残りのたった二種、カモノハシとハリモグラは、哺乳類の一部である一方、卵を産むし乳首がない。"
(While the only two remaining monotremes, the platypus and echidna, are part of the mammal family, they lay eggs and don't have nipples.)

I guarantee that this knowledge is coming soon to a conversation near you! Man, I am sooo gonna be the life of the party tomorrow night. ;P

Japanese guy can't read... pictures

Doh! If you think back far enough, I mentioned previously how genius the whole Ikea organization is, with their fun store and what I believed to be instructions simple enough for a one-armed Gump to put together... well apparently the Japanese government believes that I am wrong:

TOKYO —

The industry ministry has instructed Ikea Japan KK, the Japanese unit of Sweden’s furniture retail giant Ikea, to improve its product manuals after receiving a report that a customer was severely injured while assembling a chest of drawers, the ministry said Friday. The Economy, Trade and Industry Ministry has been informed that a man in his 60s from the city of Yotsukaido, Chiba Prefecture, was hit in the eye by a fragment from a cracked screw while assembling a unit of the company’s Mandal chest of drawers in July last year and has been suffering from visual impairment ever since.

Following the instruction, Ikea Japan compiled special assembly manuals written in Japanese, in addition to conventional manuals containing simple illustrations and brief instructions. ‘‘The explanations were not sufficient and we doubt that the accident resulted simply from carelessness on the user’s part,’’ said an official at the ministry’s office in charge of products accidents.

So wait, pictures aren't simple enough?? If you have ever seen these instructions you know how utterly retarded this is as a drunken dyslexic chimp could assemble this stuff with his feet while hanging from a tree, and the whole point is that the instructions don't need languages to confine them to one audience. I guess when people get older some of them lose the ability to read... pictures. Wow.

Yet more proof that governments can only screw things up, so it's best for us to let them do as little as possible. If we could lock them under the basement staircase like the trolls they are then I would shed tears of joy... I wish there were less lawyers and more Ron Pauls in the world.

More commuting misadventures

Hiddley ho, readeroonies!

So yet again, I have a story to rival my former entry on my ongoing escapades on the Tokyo railway system. I can only imagine how entertaining these stories must be from where you are, all comfy and cozy in your nice chair in front of the computer. Well I'll tell you, it's a whole different bag of cookies when you live it on the daily... you snicker as I get shivers down my spine. Train lover's paradise my ass - the whole idea that Japanese trains are never late is a total and utter farce. Unless you ride the Shinkansen everywhere, then you're golden as those things are the bizzomb sheezy faheezy.

Anyway, let's go back in time, to a little thing I like to call Friday. Normally a good day, but not on this bleak and rainy morning. Luckily for me, the new station directly in front of my (soon enough to be former) apartment means that a spirited 10-second dash will get me from my building to the front door of the station, which is awesome because I absolutely hate umbrellas. This particular morning I'm running a tad on the late side, but am still just in time to make the train necessary for my transfer.

Or so I think. Now this is a new route compared to before, which is nice on the way back since I sometimes get to actually sit down the whole way home, but doesn't mean a hill of beans in the morning since Toyoko line is just as packed as Denentoshi line. So I get to the station and follow the herd up the stairs to the correct platform. My train is running a little behind, but no biggie. It takes maybe 5 minutes longer than usual, but I finally get to Shibuya for my next transfer and pry myself from the pole that I had been sticking close and personal with for the previous 20-25 minutes or so. They have these station workers there handing out late passes to show your boss so I pick one up, just in case.

Next train: Ginza line. In case you were wondering, yes I do have to transfer more on this route - 4 times in total, but this is less a 10-minute bike ride that I used to have to the station. I pay more, but that's the price for... I refuse to refer to this as comfort, but I'll just say mildly less discomfort. Back to our tale, I get on the train. It doesn't move. Apparently some putz dropped an umbrella on the tracks a few stations up the line, meaning someone has to 1) retrieve the little 300yen plastic special and then 2) run some dumb safety check for the next 5 minutes. Clock's still running, and my hatred and loathing for umbrellas is renewed.

See now really, up until now this is rather ordinary and mundane, but that was all about to change once I got on the Hanzomon line. Finally back in familiar territory on my old stomping grounds, I get on the train and stand next to the door as usual for my normal 2-stop trek on this train. The train stops at the next station, doors open. Then it happens: just as the doors open, I watch as the guy STANDING DIRECTLY BESIDE ME falls flat on his face with a loud THUD! Seriously, this guy landed face first on the platform, and it sounded like a slap to the face upon impact. He passed out right before my eyes and fell like deadwood, and it was just as freaky as it sounds. NO ONE did ANYTHING for a good half a minute... his feet were still on the train as his listless body lay on the ground with eyes still open and a deadpan face- and by deadpan, I mean this guy looked seriously dead. I picked up dude's bag at my feet and shifted it out of the way as I noticed the white gloved platform people saw the aftermath and came over to help. The stretcher was not far behind.

So what did the guys do? Well, first they checked to make sure he was breathing, then they picked his feet up out of the train and laid him out on his back on the platform, and then I noticed one of the guys talking to the train conductor and telling him to get the train moving - priorities people!! I was in total shock as to what had just occurred - as the doors shut, I noticed the kid (he looked like college age btw) come to in total disarray and obviously confused with no clue as to what had just happened.

Don't ask me how, but I somehow managed to get to work only one minute after the bell. And yes, there is a bell if you're wondering, and it sounds exactly like the one you would hear at a school here. I should write something about work rituals here now that I think about it, I'm sure it'd be interesting to more than just some.

So there you have it- I took a good 30 minutes digesting all that before I actually worked, but went on with the day. With things like that, it's no wonder people around here are stressed out and all... jumpy shall we say. It's no wonder that the same day I noticed a fellow co-worker, 25, has recently gotten his first gray hair.

I have never witnessed such a thing as the train incident right before my very eyes, and hope I never do again. As alluded to earlier though, I shall be forced to move in about 4 months or so due to my current living situation, so I'll be moving closer into town to cut my commute at least in half to reclaim some of the 3 hours of my life that the train steals every single weekday. Maybe I'll take up a new hobby... like sleep!

Things, but very slowly

Sometimes, what would normally seem rather mundane can seem quite profound once you separate yourself from it and take it in from afar... like a moment of silence in a busy intersection, or a snowflake falling, or a child's smile, or... a chubby guy getting bitch slapped in slow motion. Some things are just cooler when you take your time and watch them very slowly, and this one, much like wine or a fine cheese, just gets better with age.




For even more cool things very slowly, check out the rest in this video:

Rain

You know, I never really had much of a problem with rain until I came to Japan... I had no idea what Forrest Gump was talking about with his "sideways rain", and "rain that seemed to come up from underneath." Now I say that unless you've lived in some kind of coastal, island or tropical climate that you know not the evil that rain can bring with it.

Take today for example: it's been raining since mid-afternoon yesterday, and the wind today was blowing people's umbrellas apart all over the place and delaying trains. This isn't even the "rainy season" yet, which is of course separate from typhoon season in the fall. I've never liked umbrellas personally as it's a pain to carry them around and find somewhere to put them and stuff, but there are seriously days here where you cannot avoid it.

The worst though is that there are times when an umbrella just simply does not help whatsoever. With normal wind and rain you can tell which direction it's coming from and adjust accordingly, marking a swath of dryness big enough for you to traverse. Around here though, there have been times where no matter which direction I point the umbrella in I still get totally soaked with the wind blowing directly in my face... almost like it's coming up from underneath. Oh my God, Forrest Gump was right!!!

I still hate umbrellas with a passion and will resist them whenever possible, but if you've ever been in a suit that was totally and utterly dripping wet from head to toe then you'd think about it too.

Kanamara: the Japanese Peni-fest

Hey, so long time no post... first I didn't feel like posting anything, then I was just too busy, but this one's just too good to pass up. I'll probably tell the full story of the past month or so eventually as it is pretty damn amusing once I can distance myself from it a little more, but for now I'll just say that the last month has involved a girl, a girl, capoeira, dancing with many girls, pajamas, drinking, flowers, a train, capoeira, more dancing, a drunk girl, more flowers, yet more dancing, a little tequila, a crazy girl, Britney Spears, tomatoes, another club, guys dressed up like girls, a shrine, and penis-shaped candy. If you got the joke mixed in there then you're one of a growing select few, and if you followed the whole thing then come and get your prize. ;P

So... now on to the main attraction - what you may have heard of referred to as "that Japanese penis festival", Kanamara Matsuri! For the linguistic breakdown, 'kana' is a variation of the word metal and 'mara' is a seldom if ever used word meaning phallus. And there you have it. If you're like my dad and can't even utter the word 'penis' in public or if you just have the attention span of my 2-year-old nephew, you can just skip right to the pictures here. Here's a little taste:

So is this for real you ask? Why yes, it in fact takes place every year on the 1st Sunday of April in Kawasaki Taishi at the Kanayama Shrine (金山神社）and has been doing so since the Edo Period. The purpose? Well, it's supposed to be a shrine for people to pray for protection from STDs... and from what I've heard young Japanese people don't pray too much anymore. Oh, and according to Wikipedia...

"...There's also a legend of a demon that hid inside a young girl and castrated two young men on their wedding nights before a blacksmith fashioned an iron phallus that was used to break the demon's teeth, leading to the enshrinement of the item."

Wow. So before there was Bobbitt, there was giant pink penis demon guy, interesting. Another fun thing about this is that people on the other side of the world are more likely to know about it than people that live even in Kawasaki, the city outside of Tokyo where it takes place. Most Japanese will stare at you in utter disbelief if you try and tell them about this, unless they're the type to feel shame on behalf of their country because of it. The cool ones embrace it and find themselves scattered in amongst the gaijin-filled crowds, grinning ear to ear with the rest of us and taking pictures as they giggle and chortle to themselves at penis pops and phallic floats. Lots of foreigners do show though - I went alone ahead of the roommates and ran into no less than 4 foreign friends, including a couple that has gone together for the past 3 years and counting! The people that run and come to this festival are more laid back than the majority of the populace though and have embraced the foreign element. The festival is currently used to raise and fund research for HIV research.

So what happens at this festival you ask? Well they have three main giant phallic symbols: the main is a big black steely dealy, next comes the one-eyed pink monster, and last we have the classic woody. The black one and the pink one get to play their roles being paraded down the streets by cross-dressers in kimono and guys wearing sumo diapers (yes I know they're really called 'fundoshi', but "sumo diapers" just has such a nice ring to it) in a traditional practice known as omikoshi. Alas I missed the parade due to no less than 5 of the items mentioned above in the intro, but video of last year's can be seen here. The wooden guy has a more passive role as it camps out and watches the fort, sitting there waiting to be ridden for a great photo opportunity. Again, I showed late and missed out, but there are plenty of examples floating around the internet if you search.

Other main attractions include the crossdressers which are all over the place and the erotic lollipops, with both male and female version to please all. There were so many people in line for the candy that the guy making it had everyone standing around waiting play jan-ken just for the chance to pay him 600yen for a penis (or pussy) pop (his wording not mine). I lost, but will most definitely be back for revenge next year.

Now as I noticed a veritable dearth of information online about this in English, I'll give a recap of the specs of this event in the hope that it will help even just one soul find their way to this wondrous happening.

Name: Kanamara Matsuri, aka "the Penis Festival"　（金まら祭）　

Place: Kawasaki Daishi　（川崎大師）, Kanayama Shrine （金山神社）

Time: 1st Sunday of April, with the parade starting around 12 noon. Be early!!

Getting there: from JR Kawasaki station, turn right and go down the stairs/escalator. Notice the elevated train tracks in front of you and follow them to your left to Keikyu Kawasaki station.（京急川崎駅）
Take the platform on the right labeled Kawasaki Daishi and it's maybe the 3rd stop.
From the station here, go right out of the station and you'll see the shrine which is just around the corner once you cross the street.

And with that, I hope to see you there next year! Mike? ;P

Once again, pictures here!

Stuff White People Like

There are plenty of things that all white people like with little to no exception, such as:

• Bottled Water
• Study Abroad
• Sushi
• Being the only White Person Around
• Mos Def
• The Daily Show
  
• Threatening to Move to Canada
• Japan

I am white and therefore like all these things - if you're white then you do too, even if you don't realize it yet. For further documentation on stuff that I like, check out this link. If you are not white but would like to act like you are, look to this as an instructional guide into the inner depths of the mystique that is yuppie white culture.

An inspirational story

So I'm rereading a good book - Freakonomics. The more observant of you will also notice that I added the author's blog along with a couple other links over on the right, all of which I consider to be entertaining for one reason or another.

One person mentioned in the above book is a rather interesting story. He's a leading economist that entered Harvard as a professor at the lofty age of 25 named Roland G. Fryer Jr. While this is remarkable enough, if you take his past into account it seems almost freakish. I found an article on him, and it's simply amazing - basically abandoned by his mom and raised by a drunk woman abusing father and crack dealing cousins, he makes a near miss on following the footsteps, then turns it all around by getting into college on a sports scholarship, graduating with a degree in 2.5 years while working and even taking extra credits at a local junior college, leading to what we have today. One excerpt:

At 13, he forged his birth certificate to get a job at McDonald's. When he could, he told me, he stole from the cash register. He sold counterfeit Dooney & Burke purses out of the trunk of his car -- a tricked-out 1984 Monte Carlo that he wasn't nearly old enough to drive legally. With a friend, he recounted, he would go into Dallas, buy a pound of marijuana for $700 and sell it back in Lewisville for $1,400. He carried a .357 Magnum and one night, in a fight outside a Citgo station, almost used it on a white man. ''I didn't care if I lived or died,'' he said now as we idled in the parking lot of that same Citgo station. ''I always think I'm supposed to be dead, not alive, much less at Harvard.''

Probably because of his past, he is totally driven to find out what causes the gap between whites and blacks in the US, and leaves no stone unturned no matter how controversial it seems. I guess I can see how some people would rather point to discrimination and blame that for the gap, but I'm glad that someone is willing and able to look at what internal problems might exist in the black community that are self-destructive. It'll be a lot more constructive for people to have things to point out that they themselves can control as opposed to just blaming things on the Man and resigning to a bleak life with no prospects. Then again, the people at the bottom of the pile are always the last to feel the effects of any improvements, which in some case need to be pretty substantial. Here's wishing him luck.

The joys of the internet: Googling

So the other day I get this mail from a translator's site that I happen to be registered to which, from time to time happens. This one was weird though - it was from someone back home saying they forgot the addy to this site and, apparently with it my email as well. I thought it rather odd, but it got me to thinking how she came about such avenues - so I Googled myself.

If you haven't tried it before I highly suggest it. So what shows up for me? Well depending on if you use my proper name or not (with or without the trailing 'las', and note to mom: 'Doglas' just comes up with a bunch of people making careless errors *cough cough*) and whether you use quotes, you'll get anything from translation stuff to autocross records to capoeira to stuff about me up in Miyagi. I was amused, but my thirst for entertainment not yet quenched I pressed on.

What about friends?

Well George is no surprise - you come up with a bunch of stuff about someone in the highest echelons of the nerd faction with GNU/Linux links along with Audi/Porsche links-o-plenty.

My dad's comes up with a whole bunch of random stuff... and my translator's profile??

Emi has some links from school/hockey and youtube/Myspace links up at the top, but if you venture further down the list you come across a female Japanese pro wrestling championship (her namesake looks rather nice from behind but fights dirty - not to far off the mark? ;P), references to some Japanese porn stars and models, and a link to a cool live action movie about a ninja chick. The secret underground life of Emi? Hawtness.

Davis's was random - at the top was this picture which has scarred me for... atleast the next 15 mins. or so. Apparently he's actually a half-nekkid old guy jumping for glee at a funrun. So graceful.

Mike is totally overshadowed by some l33t g4m0r CEO from the land Down Under that undoubtedly has sk1llz that rival the Ownerer - I couldn't even find one link I thought was actually talking about him. To be fair, I didn't/can't search in Korean... if the other guy is all that comes up even in Korean then I dunno what to tell you Mike, I guess your name's too common!

The Coup de Grace though must be Matt - he does show up with some work-related links and such, even in French and Korean which is cool. His is, however, a sad case that does not have a happy ending - or beginning as it were. You see, the first few entries that come up for his name are that of a certain child molesting teacher, with mugshots and even a news line reading "teacher arraigned on 4 sex charges". Man, I had no idea my party-minded roomie and partner in crime was actually a criminal! ;P Matt now has the lofty goal of hunting this miscreant down and punching him in his happy place for public besmirchment and humiliation.

Many others just came up with standard work related stuff, but it was an enjoyable way to spend some time so I recommend it. And by the way- Googling phone numbers and addresses also works! Woo technology.

Tokyo vs. Inaka

Ok, just wanted to put this out there while it's still fresh in my mind... although exactly how fresh my mind is in these wee early hours of the morning is highly debateable (it's not even 9 here yet, which is early for me).

So, Tokyo vs. Inaka (boonies, sticks, country, podunk county, land of "purty mouths", etc.). If you're wondering why I say Inaka, it's because just about everyone that's been here more than 2 weeks refers to it as Inaka, even when speaking in English. Now where the city ends and Inaka begins... totally different subject that varies depending on who you talk to and where they're from, but I think that holds true no matter where you're from to an extent. Let's just say that 'suburb' doesn't mean much to Japanese people, and Tokyo's pretty much like NYC in that according to Tokyo, there's only Tokyo and Inaka.

So anyway, one glaring difference in Tokyo/Inaka mentalities was brought to mind as I left the station this morning - there was a guy passing out little tissue packets with an ad attached, which is really quite standard around the country. Equally as standard was that just about everyone walks by the guy without even a second glance, but that's another story.

What is different though is that here in the Tokyo area (I can attest to the fact that this holds true in Chiba, a Tokyo suburb, as well), they much more frequently offer these to me as well as the locals. It's not only this, but also the people standing in front of stores are more likely to target everyone including the foreign faces... except for some of the most aggressive people around, the ones soliciting for the seedier places, who still stay away (this is mostly a good thing - unless you like paying 100USD+/hr. for girls to talk and drink with you). In Sendai, you could walk past these people all day and they wouldn't even attempt to give you anything if you were say, blond and obviously non-Japanese.

What does this mean? Does it mean that Tokyo people are less discriminatory than country bumpkins/inakajins, or are they just more used to seeing a foreign face and thus less likely to clam up? Are the foreigners in Tokyo more likely to speak Japanese and thus more approachable, or are their more English speaking Japanese willing to approach?

I'd have to argue the latter in both of these cases. There are more foreigners in Tokyo for sure, but to be fair there are more Japanese as well. I forget the exact figures, but something crazy like a third of the country's population is centered around its capital and the immediate surrounding area with plenty an Inakajin striving to make the big move to the Big Mikan. There's a lesser known movement in modern times for people to move back to the countryside, but it's still overshadowed by the idea that anything worth doing is worth doing in Tokyo. Just about any internationally-minded Japanese company with any clout has its headquarters in Tokyo, so most international jobs are here. As a consequence, you get more Western foreigners here and definitely more expats working for international firms - something you won't often find up in Sendai or any of the other non-Tokyo urban centers, with the possible exception of Osaka.

As for the foreigners, I'd say that foreigners in the Inaka on average know Japanese more as a matter of necessity since the local populations out in the sticks usually make it rather necessary to use Japanese to get around and have much of any meaningful interaction with the local population at all. In Tokyo, there are those like me and most of my friends that have no problem getting around, but for a lot of the English teachers/American military/expat crowd, it's easy for Westerners to get (relatively) spoiled since the general level of English ability is higher here than other places I've been around the country. I feel I should stress the "relative" part though as Japan is pretty bad about English, thus all the need for English teachers. I know that Japan ranks pretty low internationally and is below a few other places around Asia in that category including Thailand, Taiwan, Singapore, Bali and Hong Kong for sure, probably more.

So what pray tell was the ad the poor guy was getting paid probably 5-600￥/hr. to pass my way? An invitation for Eikaiwa! I hate to say it, but I guess this is one case where drawing the line between Japanese and foreigner might actually work... or maybe it's a case in which Inaka peeps just know better than Tokyoites that if I want some tissues I'll ask for them. ;P

Another day, another adventure

Man, what an eventful month it's been... and yet the good times keep rolling! This week's tale promises not to disappoint as well.

So our story starts on a nice and sunny Saturday morning - unseasonably warm, which was fortunate for me for reasons you will soon understand. I asked Matt to borrow the Trailblazer from work for the weekend so I could take my bike into the shop. On this particular occasion we all had stuff to take care of, so all 3 of us were up and about at 11am, which for a Saturday is rather remarkable in our world. My plans had me in Shibuya at 2 to meet up with the roomies and 2 others to mess around, then later we were going to go out to a club close to Ebisu for some good ole drum n bass. Matt was in a rush, so he asks me to drive him to the station, like now. I had no problem with that, and figured since I was going to be right back there was no need to change out of my current garb of pajamas and t-shirt, but decided to grab my wallet since it's illegal to walk around here without a gaijin card.

We get out and talk about how nice the weather is for a drive and how funny it is that I'm about to go return some videos to Tsutaya (Japanese version of Blockbuster) in my pj's and sandles... hahaha, falala-lala. "Man, I have absolutely no sense of shame", I comment, and Matt thoroughly agrees with approval at my wanton disregard for the rules of fashion and society. I drop him off and come back with no hitches, except for a little traffic, all set to shower up and set out for the day. There's only one problem.

I come back and try the door - it's locked. Where are my keys? Inside. What about my phone? On the table, next to the keys. I am locked out since our other roomie had already set out for the day to run some local errands while I was gone, leaving me with a wallet, car keys, pj's, a t-shirt and some sandals - I hadn't even taken a shower yet, so I stunk a little with Einstein hair and a slight case of the morning breath. Of course, given our modern day dependence on technology to supplant our memory for such things, I can't recall the numbers or phone mail addys of any of my friends in order to ask someone for help (I later found that I was only one character off from remembering one friend's though). After trying the door I try all the windows - nothing. I even went in the back and climbed up to our 2nd-story balcony (in sandals!!), but all the windows and doors were locked!

Great - here it is 11:30, and I have to meet people at 2. I figured that if I was going to make it in time I would have to set out about 1 or so, and sit in the car til 12:45 in the hope that my roomie would stop back by the apartment before heading into town. No dice. The time in the car allowed me to think long and hard about my options... should I go to the super and see if there's a spare key? Well, the apartment isn't in my name and they don't technically know I live there, so I decided against that. Should I sit in the car all day and wait for someone to come back? Well who knows how long that would take, I could be there all night - besides, that's boring. So I go with the option that in my mind makes the most sense - I go to Shibuya, in my pajamas and with a couple small cuts from the balcony stunt (kids, do not try this at home). I have no key or phone and no sense of shame, but I do have a wallet, meaning I have money and a train pass. It's a good thing I have no shame, right? At least the weather's nice!

So first stop is the corner store, where I buy some gum to take the place of toothpaste. Next, I get on the bus... some staring, but that's to be expected. I shrug it off. Now at the station, I make a stop in the bathroom to take a makeshift traveler's shower with ice-cold water and hand soap. Mmm, refreshing! I get on the train and ride into town - there's some HS girls in their uniforms staring and laughing, but no biggie for me... I'm more concerned about who if anyone will show of the 4 people I was supposed to meet with since they all (supposedly) knew Shibuya station at 2, but no one but Kei knows exactly which exit since they were all supposed to call/text for more details upon arrival. I'm figuring if one person shows up then they'll have numbers of other people and everything'll work out.

I get to the station - 1:45. I head for the most common exit, Hachiko, and cross my fingers. After about 30mins. of walking around and staring at the gates as hundreds of people pass by in one of the busiest stations in the world much less the country, I rest on a wall right by the exit. Then, Kei shows up! What a relief. So after explaining the situation and sharing a laugh at my miserable state, we go to grab a bite - no one else showed and Kei doesn't have my roommates' or any of my other friends' numbers, but I'm not alone now and that's all that matters. Kei is so awesome. ;P

So she sticks around, as we figure that our next opportunity to meet up with others will be at the club at 11ish- Kei wasn't coming for DnB night since she had already bought tickets for another event, but she didn't want to leave me alone and said she'd stay til the last possible moment. We get to Ebisu close to the club, and wanting to grab a bite we go off to an English-style pub I discovered the other day for a Guinness and some fish & chips. After finding a seat I go to order. I go to the counter to pass the guy my ticket for the food, then turn around and there's Matt!! Totally out of the blue, we both decided to stop by the same place to waste some time til the club started up. After a few excited screams, I relay to him the day's escapades as we have a good laugh and resolve to have a beer. Where was he at 2? Well, over in Harajuku looking for me since I mentioned something about a possible picnic in Yoyogi earlier due to the weather. I grab Kei and drag her over to Matt's table, and after a few more excited screams we both melt in a mutual sigh of relief together in the corner. Matt pulled out his handy dandy cell as we agreed that this event must be properly documented with visual evidence of just what a pitiful mess I was at this point - again remember that this is me at about 10pm in front of a bar, looking exactly as I did at 10am. If you'll look closely, you may notice that I'm also still wearing the same dress socks I had on for work on Friday... a more total bum I could not be.

Matt offers me his key and says I could probably still just make it if I wanted to go home and change before the club, but screw that. Hell naw, with all kinds of Durgitude blaring and pj's blowing in the wind, I blaze my way to the club for a night of livelihood and general ruckus. Good times. I finally wound up ditching DnB and sticking with Kei after making sure everyone had each other's numbers... leading to another less random meetup with Matt at our station at about 6am on the way home. Again, documentation was necessary - sweater by Gap, bought in Shibuya earlier because of all the chilly wind; shoes by Don Quixote, bought since I can't dance in sandals. When I got home I checked my phone: 14 missed calls, 8 emails and 2 texts. A personal record for missed calls!

Now at least one or two of you may actually recall that this is not the first time that I have shown up to a club in sleep wear - even discounting last year's Halloween festivities, there was a certain foam party I remember at the old Buzz in DC in which I did not want to get my clothes wet and thus decided to go without... it's slightly problematic getting into a club in just boxers though as they don't have pockets to hold stuff like wallets and id, but I made due and didn't get any clothes wet! Anyone want to bet whether that will be the last time?

So let this be a lesson to us all - make sure that precautionary measures are taken in case of such emergency incidents as getting locked out, or you too may find yourself in downtown Tokyo wandering around in pajamas for hours and have loads of fun. Even my tragic disasters are fun lately - life is good!

Oh, and I rounded off the weekend by taking my bike in to the shop, making about $100 on 2 hours work translating, and grabbing some tasty pizza at California Pizza Kitchen since Yokohama has like everything. Mmm, mmm, bitch!

Et tu, mother?

Ok, this one just gets a big wtf... I come home to find a letter from my mom - pretty standard issue stuff, especially for someone who hasn't quite caught up with that whole interweb thingermabobber, right? Well if you think so then just have a closer look...


wtf, my name's not "Doglas"!! This is the kind of shit you expect from random solicitors, not the woman you burdened for 9 months before causing her excruciating pain and pulling a "camel-through-the-eye-of-a-needle" trick, only to cause her more angst and suffering over the next 18-25 years of your life! Was it the time I sat on you with the poof pillow? That (repeated) time(s) I did a burnout(s) in your car with you in it when I was still on my learner's permit? Subjecting you to years and years of rap and loud metal? The time I... oh wait, you might not know about that one. *sheepish grin*

"Doglas"... sorry I gotta publicly call you out on this one mom, but it was just too bizarre to let go the fact that the person that picked my name in the first place, the woman who prides herself on good grammar and spelling and has inspired me to correct and nitpick at people on no less than 2 continents, misspells her own son's name.

It makes me wonder where you got confused... Doug gets confused with dog all the time here in Japanland, but you certainly don't have that one to fall back on. I'm certainly no "dog lass"... at least I don't think I'm a bitch. It is true that I am rather "dog-less" at the moment, as I don't have room for a dog out here and the family dog kicked it a while back after living the dog's equivalent of a George Burns lifetime.

I find this rather perplexing to say the least. I don't how I'll sleep at night... guess I'll just have to think up ways of striking back, like naming your grandkids cool stuff like Darth, or Megatron, or Hayabusa... or buying you a size 4 dress and refusing to visit until you fit into it. Hmm... Darth Durgee...

I'm invinsible!!!

...or maybe I just have a golden horseshoe wrapped in a thick layer of 4-leaf clovers and sporting like 10 rabbit's feet dangling from it planted firmly between both cheeks of my pasty white buttocks. This weekend I have once again proven that I am much less of a Polock than my old man by not only narrowly escaping seemingly inevitable peril, but coming out completely unscathed and still smelling like peaches (I use scented shampoo).

You see, yesterday a frickin car hit me on my bike... check out the battle damage on the left: note the bent front wheel which is most definitely not facing the direction it should. But you see, that's to be expected when a FRICKING CAR RUNS OVER YOUR BIKE WITH YOU ON IT. You really gotta hear the play-by-play on this one though, pieced together from my own recollection and information relayed to me by my roommates Matt and Hiro, told from the vantage point of a whole 2-3 meters behind me.

We were all on our way to the station to head into town and catch up with Musafar, a friend from the Chiba days of yore in town from Osaka - Matt and Hiro were just commenting to one another how all the parking lot exits for the shops along this stretch with their big walls are nothing but a gauntlet of blind corners and how much it would blow if a car suddenly pulled out right in front of you... like THAT!!

Almost as if they somehow magically overheard the conversation, this minivan pokes its head out of the Denny's parking lot to get a peek of the road traffic, jutting directly in front of me with less than a split second to react. Now I remember the takeoff and the sensation of flying through the air, but as it all happened in a flash and it was all more natural reaction than voluntary motion anyway, I can't do any better than to give you Matt's account of what transpires from here.

So the van pulls out from my left - my front tire hits the front corner of the vehicle with enough force to send it under the van and me flying over the handlebars. As Matt and Hiro tell it, it looked as if I bailed the bike to my left as, with cat-like agility and adroitness, I almost appeared to jump to the right over the handlebars, performing a tightly-formed full front flip, landing squarely on my right shoulder/bicep and going into a textbook monkey roll. I sprung up instantaneously from my maneuvers in a fit of uncontrollable laughter, looking as if I had just performed a perfect 10 dismount from a gymnastical apparatus. So my condition after my 1.5 rotation dismount? Not a scratch, bruise or any other distinguishable blemish, which is more than I can say for either the bike or the van... which leads me to feel I could go a round with Mr. T in the tree-eating category. I would like to take this opportunity to thank my master Bruce Lee for teaching me to be like water - Johnny Knoxville, eat your heart out!

With all kinds of witnesses, I must've had at least 5-6 or so people coming up in befuddled utter disbelief as they check to see if I'm ok, only to find that there isn't even as much as a speck of debris on my jacket evidencing that I had just had a close run-in with a minivan would have easily sent a lesser man to a hospital bed for a while had the landing been awkward. The driver and his wife must've asked me at least 10 times between the two of them alone. Personally at that point, since I was feeling fine I was more concerned that we were going to be late meeting Musafar, so I just exchanged contact info and asked them to give me a ride to the station... the least they can do, right?

Now this certainly does leave me with a nice little story to tell, but it still means that I have no bike to ride until mine gets out of the shop, which may not happen until next week given scheduling and a store that closes as 5pm... grr. At least the driver of the van, with family in tote no less, was cool about things and says he's fine with paying to get the bike fixed. Here's hoping I haven't used up my luck on this one yet.

If you're wondering how the rest of my day went, we did finally meet up with Musafar before he left albeit a little late, and had an otherwise enjoyable evening chock full of sushi, Harajuku, a small live show and karaoke... basically business as usual.

New videos

Just finished uploading a bunch of videos onto the youtube account - check them out here:

http://www.youtube.com/user/ddurgee

This includes stuff from my Christmas visit back home and my recent snowboarding trip to Hakuba in Nagano, tons of fun!!

Japanese people's love/hate relationship with the cold

Given the snowy conditions today, I find it rather apropos to take this opportunity to comment on something that's always boggled my mind - Japanese people's reaction to winter weather.　If you've ever been here in the winter, it really doesn't matter where you find yourself or whether that area is actually cold or not, you will inevitably hear them complaining pretty much daily, sometimes hourly or more depending on circumstances, that it's cold in rather exaggerated fashion. Allow me to examine this with a bit more depth if you will, as the more I think about it the more I find this to be most decidedly bizarre.

First, it's rather unbelievable how much they bring up the cold unless you've experienced it yourself - they'll start saying it's cold and making shivering motions like a small chihuahua if it hits 10C (40F) or so... amusing if not annoying, but more like sweater weather if you ask me. 10F is cold, but 10C?? Get real. This might be slightly understandable in a place like Tokyo where it rarely snows or reaches freezing temperatures, but I heard the exact same from people up in Sendai where it gets at least as cold as back home. Well, I guess to be totally fair I should mention the fact that they did stuff like leave the windows open in the bathroom in the middle of January among other things... another Japanese mystery to me.

Now contrast that with this... 1st, to the right is exhibit one:

First off, I must note how disturbing it is to google for children's school uniforms in Japanese and have trouble finding images that don't make me feel dirty just for looking at them, but I'll leave that one for another day...

So what do elementary school kids have to do with this you ask? No, I have not been here long enough to develop a pre-pubescent lolicon, I just wanted you to check out their *WINTER* uniforms, which are actually quite conservative in relation to the reality which I witness on a daily basis. For the private school kids I see at the station on my way to work, I'd say take that boy's shorts and move them up to the point where you can't tell the difference between shorts and underwear and throw a goofy little cap on his mop, and that's what they all look like - whether it's 5 or 15C outside. They make these kids endure the cold in pretty minimal clothing... probably telling them it "builds character" or some such nonsense.

Moving along, women's winter fashion. These pictures are all taken in December in Shibuya, which is usually populated by the young who wish to be seen as trendy and fashionable. If you asked any of these girls I'm sure they'd tell you up and down that they're cold, but skirts rule in male-centric Japan and fashion and form supersedes comfort and warmth. I'm especially amused with the girls that just look like they're wearing a coat and boots... leggings/stockings cannot possibly be that warm, can they??? Anyway, looks to me like they can deal with the "cold"... if you wanna say that Tokyo is cold, that is. They also keep this form over function mindset with accessories as well... I could probably write a whole entry about that though.

I have a certain friend in particular that always seems particularly cold and was surprised when mentioning snowboarding to hear that she boards too!! This despite mentioning not liking the cold weather... I guess I can understand it being warmer when you're active and all, but this kind of thinking is still mind-boggling to me.

So how do I reconcile their insistence that it's cold with their bizarre wardrobe choices? How does a whole nation of people go from booty shorts and mini skirts as kids to shivering chihuahua adults?? Well, my theory involves two things. The biggest thing I'd say is temperature difference - they keep our office thermostat set at a blistering 26C (79F)! It's the same in the summer, with them keeping the A/C set at I'm guessing like 18-20C (64-68F) all around town. The drastic temperature changes make it feel super cold outside in the winter and tire you out real quick in the summer - I actually shiver sometimes entering a train or store in the summer with their A/C blasting. Such a waste if you ask me though to train the kids to deal with the cold with those uniforms, then ruin it all with the crazy temperature control. And the clothing thing... well that's just form over function taken to the extreme. They just care more about appearances than comfort or practicality, so they get what they ask for in that respect.

In closing, one last thing that makes me go hmm?? regarding the thermostat thing is how hypocritical it is for a country that's supposedly all about energy and resource conservation... yet another topic I'll have to save for another time since there's plenty to mention there too.

Ok this is getting long... I'll stop for now.

It's snow!!

Yey, yesterday I got my book about pirates and the Terps won!!

Then today I wake up this morning greeted by the wonderful wetness of... snow!! To the left is a pic of the snow adorning the entrance of the new subway line out front of my apartment, set to open next month. I probably won't use it that much since although it's convenient having a 30-second walk to the station, it'd cost me probably 2-300yen more a day roundtrip since it's a different line... hopefully others won't feel the same though and will flee en masse to the newest, coolest train evar and leave my train alone, thus substantially reducing my ever-growing urge to kill babies upon the mere sight of trains in the morning. If any of my neighbors are reading this, forget the weird station name and take the Green Line!! Think of the helpless babies!!!

So anyway, at first I was all excited at the prospect of rolling around and sliding in the snow, but upon closer inspection it's one big wet mess, just a step away from rain. Still, this is the most snow I've ever witnessed locally (without traveling specifically to see it, that is) in my short time in the 'pan. It's even the 2nd time this year there's been snow in Tokyo!

I must say, something strange is afoot in the world this year. It's a year which saw snow in Baghdad (insert "cold day in hell" comment here), a year in which southern China is being downright pummeled with snow, and now a year in which snow actually comes to Tokyo?? And sticks?!?

I mean sure, the 1st snow in a Middle Eastern city in 70 or so years and the worst snow in 50 years in other parts of the world is shocking news (especially after last year), but that's waaaay the hell over there - out of sight, out of mind right? And now I hear that back home in a land that I've personally seen up to 2' of snow (60+ cm), it was a balmy 50-something?? Crazy, but still has very little to do with me at the moment.

If it snows in southern California or Florida then I will take it as a sign of impending catastrophe and run around outside flailing my arms above my head in disarray and panic. Meh, I might do it anyways right now and make a snowman while I'm out there. ;P

The most obnoxious 16yo in our lifetimes

Ok, I just have to post about this kid... you may have seen or heard about him in the news. So long story short, there's this 16yo from Melbourne who threw a house party while his parental units were out of town, 10 people becomes 50 becomes 500 and the cops are after them with dogs and a ghetto bird trying to quell a veritable riot of underage drunkards pillaging the streets. The aftermath? 20,000AD in fines and a helluva lot of explaining to do when the 'rents get home.

Words cannot describe how comical this is... a kid has a party that gets so out of hand that it makes national, nay international news??? Do yourself a favor and strap yourself in for the next 3:26, because you need to watch this video right now... and then maybe click on some of the follow-up ones that are linked, which are almost as funny. Is this really real???



PS: Terps beat #1 UNC- WOOOO!!! ...and I want those glasses, bad.

Mr. T in the 'Pan???

So I have come across what I consider to be a quite amazing discovery over the past week or so- Japanese people know and love Mr. T!!!! The thing is, they don't actually know that they love him... allow me to explain.

Recently, I've been walking around with the cover of Pity the Fool, Season 1 (the one with the felt on the cover - you need this NOW if you don't have it already) as the wallpaper on my spiffy high-res Japanese cell phone display. This usually gets at least a nice smirk on my face, but there are times that I just totally forget it's there and open the display only to be unable to control the ensuing fit of laughter. Priceless.

So obviously people are going to ask me what I'm laughing at, or I'll just preempt this inevitability and feel compelled to share some of the coolest American culture ever to wear a mohawk and 300 lbs of gold chains. Some laugh (ok most), some give me weird looks (what's new), but the best reaction was the one I received the other day... "oh, the guy from the A-Team!" whawhawhaaat!!! As I delve deeper into this matter like it were a nice hearty bowl of cheese and spinach dip, I find that in fact the A-Team was in syndication in Japan in the 80's!! Not only that, but this guy was obviously a fan - he remembered Murdock and Hannibal by name and that B.A. Baracus "don't fly on no planes fool!" So it apparently went by the moniker 特攻野郎Aチーム (tokkou yarou A-chiimu), which is funny because it's made up of the same word they use to describe kamikaze pilots, asshole/bastard, and then the group we all dotingly refer to as the A-Team. This means that basically the Japanese name means "Crazy bastard A-team"... wrap your head around that one for a minute if you will. I only wish that American writers had thought of it first. He said people used to go around calling people A-yarous and stuff even! But- couldn't remember the name "Mr. T".

This has inspired me to look up more random factoids on the one, the only, the T. So I wiki'ed it. So he was apparently first a bodyguard for famous people, including boxers!!?? And charged $3000/day, and people paid it?!?? Ok, if a professional boxer pays someone to protect him, this must mean he believes that the guy could pick him up, snap him like a twig, and chew him up. Maybe Mr. T really does eat trees.

So anyhoo, I asked another friend today who previously told me how he grew up with Uncle Jessie, Uncle Joey, DJ, Bob Saget and the Olsen twins on Full House (man that was a surreal convo), and sure enough he remembered the face but couldn't place the name. I asked a guy at work that's a little younger than I and he didn't know, so I guess the cutoff is probably somewhere around 26-27 year old and up Japanese had the opportunity to see this gem of a show.

Try to imagine if you will the A-Team... dubbed in Japanese. I have a new mission in my life now, and it is to find video-taped evidence of this modern miracle in action.

UPDATE: It exists!!! On the Japanese wiki it said that the show aired in its entirety from '85-'87 in Japan. I found the opening (unfortunately nothing more though) on youtube after like 5 secs. of searching:



So yeah... if you didn't catch all that, Murdock goes by "Crazy Monkey", and B.A. Baracus says to call him "Kong". wtf??? Well I guess it does involve monkeys so....

Back in the 'hama

Ok, I'll write a slightly more meaningful post later, but for now I'm just here to say happy frickin' New Year. I'm back in Japan, at least in body, although I still feel like I'm about to keel over from jetlag after the day's work.

Before I pass out, a random thought for you to ponder which, in lieu of some primo drugs possibly only severe sleep deprivation can provide: why are cows sacred in India? I mean, out of all the animals they have, why pick the bovine? If it were me, I'd go with either an elephant or a tiger.

Let's weigh the options here: first cows. Ok, so I think we all know that cows are big dumb animals that'll eat their own shit if you don't stop them, which is totally disgusting. They are also quite tasty in their own right and provide me milk, which when combined with Kahlua and vodka forms the Voltron of drinks, none other than the almighty White Russian (has anyone ever met a Black Russian btw? Just curious). So I say that's at least like 2 or 3 reasons against cows without me even really trying - I'm not revering something that dumb and tasty when I could be clubbing it over the head and eating it. How the hell can you worship something that sits in a field and eats grass all day??

Now the flip side of the coin - what about the options? Elephants are supposed to be pretty smart I think... or at least have a good memory. They can do tricks and join circuses, and the pink ones can fly. I've also seen them help people celebrate what looks to be the most awesomest New Year's celebration evar, Songkran! That's one of those things I want to witness before I die, so mental association with this is automatic cool points for the elephants and their Lord of the Rings counterparts the oliphant. In fact, the fact that they made an LoTR appearance is another point! I also recently heard from a friend that apparently you can find our long-nosed friends occasionally frolicking and cavorting about on the highways of New Delhi. Finally, I don't know if they're tasty or not, but I've never heard of people lining up to bite into an elephant steak so I'm gonna go with "not as good as cows."

And now tigers, which I believe to be the most regal of the bunch. Tigers are fearsome predators which any Indian jungle-goers would know need to be respected. They look damn cool and downright majestic... good enough to worship? Well, better than a cow. Tigers are more likely to eat stuff than be eaten since they graze on cows and elephants, not grass. Tigers are just frickin' cool - you know you wanted to check out the tigers when you visited the local zoo as a kid.

So there you have it - any idea why Indians worship cows and not tigers? Respect the almighty tigers and elephants!!!